The best techniques to avoid family questions over Thanksgiving

Just get your wisdom teeth out

What are you doing with your life? When are you getting a job? Do you have a boyfriend? When are you getting married? When will you do something useful? (I field this last one all the time, as an English major.)

And this is all before the mashed potatoes are done. Are you dreading dinnertime yet?

Fear not. I have answers.

Let’s start with the most common one:

How’s school?

Guys, you go to UVA. School is fine. You’re gonna be fine. If you’re a legacy, your parents know this. If not, come prepared with some of those nifty articles about how we’re great and mention that our football team beat Duke. Bonus points if someone else at the table a) went to Duke and b) is wildly successful (like that’s going to happen).

How school is actually going

School is a mire of never-ending midterms and constant work, and if you’re not in the library or in class, nobody wants to think about it.

So, if your grandparent asks you how school is, deflect. Casually mumble your highest grade and then mention something cool your brother did in his newfound career as a sandcastle stylist. Thanksgiving is war, and if he didn’t want to talk about being a sandcastle stylist he should have let you play with his GI Joe when you were five.

Now, when are you getting a job?

Assuming that you, like most of us, are absolutely terrified at the prospect of having to find gainful employment after graduation, the most important thing you can do here is not panic. After you’ve calmed down the hyperventilation, turn it around and ask your relatives the same question.

I like to get my dad in on this one: “So Dad, when are you planning on retiring?” Generally this distracts everyone enough that you can squirm away. If they’re really persistent, you should have thought ahead and gotten a job. Which is exactly what they’re going to say. Sorry.

Do you have a boyfriend?

If you don’t have a S.O, this is a good time for suggesting another bottle of wine. Alternatively, you could invite a student that can’t go home for Thanksgiving to come home with you, pretend you’re together and “pretty serious” and then make sure your family never sees that person again.

Bonus points if they’re in the comm school and willing to field endless questions about the stock market with variations of “Buy low, sell high.”

When are you getting married?

WHERE ARE MY GRANDBABIES?

You could answer these questions with a calm, well-articulated speech about how the childbearing years are getting longer and that it’s important for young people to properly establish careers before making the decision to get married and reproduce, or you could wear an engagement ring from Walmart and talk about the details of the Pinterest wedding you have planned with your dog. #foreveralone

You can also talk about Wahoo babies are terrifying, as The Tab previously discovered, and so you have decided to not inflict them upon society.

When will you start contributing to society?

Bring an international friend to dinner. Pretend to be doing an immersion exercise and only speak to them in a language nobody in your family understands. Claim it’s for school. Only communicate through a whiteboard and texting, and pray nobody pulls out google translate.

Who are you voting for? Why are you voting for them?

This is all I have to say about the elections

Honestly, get your wisdom teeth out right before Thanksgiving. The downside to this is you can’t really eat anything except mashed potatoes. The upside to this is that you can’t really eat anything except mashed potatoes, so there’s no need to share.

Finally, while the turkey is roasting or basting or whatever it is that turkeys do, meet with your generation- your cousins, siblings, whatever, and figure out where the “safe” spots are.

Some life events are like Free Parking – my cousin got married this past summer, so I’m counting on that for at least two courses.

I feel like this will buy me time for at least three biscuits

Other events are like landing on the Trump Hotels on Boardwalk and Park place, like the dreaded “I’m taking an extra year to graduate,” or anybody’s divorce.

The best strategy here is to make sure you’re all briefed and can steer the conversational ship well through dessert. And in an emergency, pour the drunkest person (that’s not you) a drink.

Happy thanksgiving, Hoos.

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