USC is screwing up so much that they’re briefing students on how to handle the mess

After a shitstorm of scandals surrounding the USC community since the July unveiling of the secret life of the meth-smoking, partying med school dean, the administration is now coaching students on how to handle the influx of controversies.

As USC struggles to avoid any more PR crises, the Keck Senior Associate Dean for Student & Educational Affairs, Donna Elliot, urges frustrated students to look past the administrative problems. She said the key to handling the recent scandals is for students to "redirect the narrative and make it about their qualifications and not about the issues at the school at an administrative level…"

Let's take a look down Memory Lane to see what scandals Elliot is exactly referring to…

Dean Puliafito's secret life

Where the domino effect of controversies began. The former Keck School of Medicine dean smoked meth, partied for days on end – including on campus in his office – and kicked it with criminals.

Al Cowlings' residence hall

As if it's not bad enough that OJ Simpson's memorabilia is still idolized on campus, this summer, his partner in crime got a residence hall named after him. Al Cowlings, former USC football player and OJ's getaway driver will now be forever engrained in the school's history – or at least on a building.

Med school student found dead

At the end of August, a 24 year-old masters student was found dead in a residence hall on the Health Sciences Campus. His body went undiscovered for seven days. The details of what happened are still unclear, and like other scandals, USC failed to address the incident.

Traveler was linked to Robert E. Lee

The administration was put under fire by a group of students when they discovered that our famed mascot, Traveler, was potentially named after Robert E. Lee's horse, Traveller.

Asst. basketball coach charged with corruption by the FBI

The assistant basketball coach, Tony Bland, was charged with three other non-USC coaches for corruption and fraud by the FBI. The coaches were paying high school recruits to go to Adidas-sponsored schools with the promise that Adidas would sign them post-college.

Dean Varma resigned after sexual assault allegations

The former Keck School of Medicine dean, Rohit Varma, replaced Puliafito and promptly resigned two months later after sexual assault allegations resurfaced. Varma was punished by the university for the harassment in 2003, but was still named dean over a decade later.

Harvey Weinstein's foundation supporting women filmmakers

In his apology statement after decades of sexual assault allegations were exposed, Weinstein announced that a $5 million foundation to support women in film was a year in the making. Doing the morally right thing, USC rejected the donation, but only after facing public pressures.

VP of fundraising resigned after discrimination and sexual harassment allegations

David Carrera, who helped raise hundreds of millions of dollars for the university is currently under investigation by Title IX after he allegedly sexually harassed his women coworkers.

Linebacker pleaded guilty of sexual assault

Osa Masina, former USC linebacker, pled guilty to three charges of sexual battery. He avoided a felony rape case, but could face up to three years in prison following his sentence in December.

Clearly, we've had a hell of a semester, but according to Elliot, "the issues at the school at an administrative level…really don't impact [students] at all."

Can someone please explain how the incompetence of the administration doesn't impact students' quality of education and the value of their degrees?

But Elliot is right, the scandals haven't impacted students at all…carry on.