ABC’s Dirty Dancing remake should be put into a corner and kept there for a very, very long time

Between its attempts at being #woke, casting two cups of plain yogurt as the leads and an insane amount of unconvincing lip syncing, ABC’s remake of the 1987 cult classic Dirty Dancing fell less than flat.

Within the first 30 seconds of the movie, Abigail Breslin — who will forever be, like, eight years old in my mind — had my hand on the remote, her delivery was so bland. I swear to god she was less emotive than Kristen Stewart in any movie ever and I had to prepare to endure her for the next three hours.

And within Colt Prattes’ first few moments on screen as Johnny Castle — the ballroom dancing dreamboat made famous by sex idol Patrick Swayze — it was obvious he was going to be too stiff and try-hard to ever pull off such an iconic role (where was Derek Hough? Aren’t his hips, like, destined to take this part?).

The chemistry between the two leads was confusingly absent, which was immediately made evident during their first meeting at the staff dance party. Prattes gyrating his pelvis against a petrified Breslin actually managed to create negative heat and sexual tension.

And then to top off the encounter, some guy went up to Breslin and said,”You better change your name. You aren’t Baby no more,” as if a dance with Johnny — worse than the typical frat house encounter — was somehow supposed to be her rite of passage into womanhood. 

I swear there were moments where Nicole Scherzinger, who played professional dancer Penny (and killed it), had more chemistry with Breslin than Prattes did.

It’s just disappointing when in the original film Patrick Swayze was nothing but sex appeal and the tension between him and Jennifer Grey (despite what appeared to be a creepy age difference) could be cut with a knife, and in this version every time Johnny even looked at Baby I felt the urge to puke a little.

Most importantly, Breslin and Prattes’ attempt at dirty dancing couldn’t even come close to holding a candle to the original couple’s. Nothing will ever beat Patrick Swayze’s perfect ballroom frame. Nothing.

And I’m not even going to comment on the classic “Lover Boy” scene. Just, no.

Besides in their flat-out wrong casting choices, ABC really missed the mark in attempting to find a place in popular culture by updating the movie’s plot to be more ~socially aware~.

Neil (portrayed by Trevor Einhorn), who in the original film was nothing more than a dorky foil to Johnny’s character, is now a guy who read the Feminine Mystique and sees dance as empowering, even when Baby claimed it to be a pastime saved for girls “who are into makeup and music.” For someone who is supposedly so forward thinking, Baby sure wasn’t very supportive of or open-minded towards her fellow women.

Sarah Hyland as Baby’s judgmental, stereotypically girly older sister Lisa was given her moment to be an #empowered young lady, as she stood up to a literal date rape attempt and found an interracial fling by the end of the film. It didn’t really distract enough from the fact that this was the same part we’ve seen Hyland in 1000% times before, though.

I will say it was good to see Mrs. Houseman (Debra Messing) working to get exactly what she wanted out of her marriage, even if it did add length to an already too-long production. This was the only added plot point that added considerable depth to the movie.

The casting of the camp staff was “diverse” by Hollywood’s standards — which basically means they had a smattering of black actors thrown into the background. However, the reason the original film didn’t have a heavy black presence was because the “dirty dancing” everyone was engaging in actually came from the latin diaspora, so many of the staff cast in the 1987 version were of latin decent. Seeing those bodies mostly invisible this time around was no better IMO.

The thing that capped off the trifecta of terror, though, was the producers’ seeming need to have everyone in this godforsaken show sing their own song. But not really sing— lip sync, and lip sync so poorly that you question whether they’re on an episode of Lip Sync Battle or if it’s really just supposed to be this unconvincing.

So, if you missed this TV event, do not fear and definitely do not try to find a version you can watch online, because it will be a waste of three of your hours here on this Earth. Some things, in fact most things, should not be remade, as is evidenced by the slim margins of success of any of these televised musical events. Let’s keep ABC’s Dirty Dancing in a corner from now on.