Everyone you will meet at Coachella, whether you want to or not
Take the bindi off, seriously
It’s that time of year again, folks: Coachella season.
This Goldenvoice music festival takes place every spring in the California desert and never seems to falter in hype. Some attend for the purpose of being trendy, others because they are music nerds. Regardless, Coachella is the festival that everyone attends — or wishes they could attend. With an event that appeals to such a broad market, it is no surprise that a variety of people show up. Some of those in attendance are the coolest people you will ever meet, while others are the worst.
High schooler who bought their ticket with daddy’s money
Maybe it’s just me, but I personally believe Coachella should be 18+. Music is of course for everyone regardless of age, however considering this is a festival that occurs over multiple days it seems strange that kids with curfews are allowed to attend. Especially when they cause such a ruckus with their fan-girling over celebrities and performers. No one wants to hear the piercing shriek of a 16-year-old girl next to their ear as they stand in the pit waiting for Lady Gaga. However, considering it is unlikely that Coachella is going to add an age requirement any time soon, make sure to check IDs like you’re a bouncer in Vegas before you hook up with that rando in the crowd, or you could get into some hot water.
College student who bought their ticket with daddy’s money
College students are just as bad, if not worse, than high schoolers. Whether it’s their independence or the fact that they are legal adults, college students have a sense of entitlement that is honestly the worst. Being in college is like being at Disneyland for four years but with more alcohol and drugs, so an actual carnival like Coachella is the perfect place for a college student. Odds are the med tent will be filled with dehydrated 20-year-olds who didn’t drink enough water and did way too much molly.
The person who took way too many drugs
Speaking of drugs, it’s no secret that people manage to smuggle drugs into Coachella without fail each year. Recreational drug use is common among festival goers to enhance the larger-than-life experience, and most people have a great time. However, there is always someone who does too much. Maybe you see them across from you in the crowd, or maybe they keep bumping into you aimlessly, their wide eyes and little ticks give away just how strung out they are. All you can do is pray that they have some good friends to take care of them as the wonderland around them becomes a living nightmare.
The Instagram Model
You see them every time you open your Instagram app without fail, mostly because they post three times a day because they #love their followers. The Instagram models plague Coachella hoping to score drool worthy pictures that are sure to make their Instagram aesthetic that much better. Selfie videos infiltrate their Instagram stories of them at day clubs, so many that you wonder if they even watched any actual musical acts. They most likely did not, because they are too busy posing with their Fit-Tea.
The Cultural Appropriator
Y'all can't even be mad at this. Shoot, y'all carry this style year round and then say it ain't about native americans. We see Y'all. #comedy #funny #relatable #vape #crossfit #nochill #savage #memes #lmao #4chan #kyliejenner #twitch #edgy #cringe #spicyboi #fitspo #fashion #coachella #cod #hoodcomedy #triggered #wtf #like4like #kodak #lilyachty #dankmemes #funny #petty #deadass #weakaf
It is 2017 people. How is it still not clear what cultural appropriation is? Don’t wear cornrows, don’t wear Native American headdresses, don’t wear a dashiki, and, I know this may come as a surprise, don’t wear Bindis. Yes, Bindis also are a form of cultural appropriation despite the fact that they are so popular amongst festival goers and celebrities. Look up dot busting and then maybe you will get why it’s wrong. Despite the fact that it should be clear that cultural appropriation is wrong, people will most definitely not let it ruin their “aesthetic” this Coachella season and these WILL be some of the worst people you meet all weekend. Will these people defend their fashion choice if you call them out? Definitely. Will they be wrong? Yes.
Coachella is a fashion and “cool kid” competition all wrapped up in one. Even if you think you’re the sickest around, there will always be someone sicker than you. These people are the hipsters who almost didn’t come this year because Coachella just isn’t “authentic” enough anymore. They will spend the majority of the time sitting down with their other hipster friends acting bored and only attend the most “indie” of bands performing. Of course they have to attend Lady Gaga’s set though to be ironic.
The celebrity who refuses to take a picture with you
Coachella is pimped out with celebrities ever year because they are “just like us”. But they are just like us from the VIP section. Odds are you will only get close enough to take a picture with them when they are walking from one stage to another. Even then odds are you will get shut down if you attempt to engage. Might as well take blurry pictures from afar and watch the celeb snapchat stories.
The Average Joe
Despite these outlying categories, the majority of people attending Coachella are normal people looking to have a good time with friends. Coachella is a place to bond with your besties and escape from reality through music for the weekend. Stay safe, stay lit.