All of the reasons you won’t keep your New Year’s resolutions
For one thing, spending less and eating healthier are mutually exclusive
We are now four days into the new year, and therefore four days into the “New Year, new me” bullshit you’ve probably already attempted to implement in your life (just as you’ve done every year prior).
However, I think we can all agree one one thing: 2017 is the year to stop wasting time on useless shit. So here’s a list of literally any possible, fathomable reason you won’t keep several common New Year’s resolutions. If anyone asks, just save yourself some time coming up with one and borrow from us. You’re welcome.
Already hiding from 2017 like
If your resolution is to… Exercise more/lose weight
“It’s too cold.”
“My favorite time to exercise is early in the morning but I’m really not a morning person so I’m afraid this one simply isn’t meant to be.”
“I wore heels out this last weekend, so that should get me through the next week until I do it again next weekend.”
“I had sex last night, sex burns calories.”
“If I exercise too much none of my clothes will fit anymore, and I don’t have the funds to replace my entire wardrobe.”
“Spin class makes me want to die and if it isn’t spinning it isn’t real exercise so there’s no point.”
“Reaching for a slice of pizza counts as a sit-up.”
I’m really more of a kale chip type of person tbh
Eat healthier
“Buying healthy food is much more expensive and I’m also trying to cut back on my spending this year.”
“I like my food to be as fancy as I am and everyone knows the french fry is much more glamorous than its boring predecessor, the potato. After all, the french fry came after: it’s clearly an upgrade. Plus, it’s FRENCH.”
“This was grown in the ground and I really hate dirt so I shouldn’t eat it.”
“I hate vegetables and I can’t change so better to just break up with them now for good before I cause either of us any more pain.”
“I consider the veggie chip to be a good vegetable substitute.”
Waste less time
“I don’t really have to be productive every minute of the day…”
“Stalking my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend on social media isn’t a waste of time, it’s valuable research and it’s imperative that I do it.”
“It’s not wasting time if I’m eating.”
“I really couldn’t get up for those two hours I spent doing nothing, my dog was sleeping on my lap and it would have been cruel to disturb her. Plus, it gave me tons of time to speculate on what she dreams about.”
Be more organized
“Organization is just so time-consuming and I promised myself I would waste less time this year.”
“I’m pretty sure I need to buy a lot of tools to help me be really organized and I don’t have the funds for that.”
“Why bother, I’ve managed to make it to this point without organization so clearly I don’t really need it.”
Spend less/save more
“I have plenty of time to save when I’m old, you know, like when I’m 30.”
“I have 5 dresses that would be fine for this event, but also I’ve worn all of them once before and I can’t be an outfit repeater.”
“One can never have too many shoes. I mean, you need them for walking around, right?”
The only company I’ll ever need
Spend more time with family/friends
“I hate other people.”
“I have my dog, why would I need other humans?”
“They’ll probably want to go out somewhere and I’m trying not to spend money so like, better not to go…”
“I might get annoyed by something they say and I’d rather not risk it.”
“Eventually they’ll all die and I’ll be left alone, better to get used to being without them now.”
“Jennifer bailed on me once 7 years ago when we’d made big plans to go sit at a park together, and I don’t know if I’m ready to risk that kind of abandonment again.”
Historical places are just the worst
Travel more
“I hate going to the airport.”
“I can’t bring my bed with me on vacation so I don’t want to go.”
“The only places to go when I’m traveling are super old, historical sites and I was never very interested in history so I probably wouldn’t like it.”
“I’m a picky eater and I’m worried that Europe won’t have any food I can eat.”
Stop procrastinating
“I could start that paper that’s due tomorrow right now, but also I’ve finished work in less time so why bother.”
“I actually work better when I’m pulling all-nighters.”
Learn a new language
“Everyone speaks English anyway.”
“I know how to say ‘hi’ and ‘I would like’ in German, and I can just point at what I want on the menu, so I think I know all I need to know of that language.”
“I have Google translate on my phone, surely that’s good enough.”
“I’ll just buy those earbud things that automatically translate languages for me, problem solved.”
Sleep more
“My most productive hours are between 11pm-3am anyway.”
“That last episode of Grey’s Anatomy ended on such a cliffhanger, if I don’t watch the next one I won’t be able to sleep.”
“That last episode of Grey’s Anatomy was so sad, I need to watch something happy now to cheer myself up.”
“I always watch SNL live and I’m not willing to change now.”
“Everyone knows that only good things happen after 2am.”
Spend less time on social media
“If I don’t go on social media, how will I know what my friends are doing without me?”
“If I don’t go on social media, how will my friends know what I’m doing without them?”
“No social media= no online stalking= what do I even do with my life anymore.”
TV helped me find my celeb look-alike, how dare you call it a waste of time.
Spend less time watching Netflix
“What will I talk about if I don’t know the most recent developments on this season of The Bachelor?”
“I just feel like I’m such a Carrie, I need to study her and figure out how to get her life/closet.”
“Every character on Bob’s Burgers just gets me, I don’t know, I just relate to all of them.”
“South Park satirizes current issues so it’s educational, I can just watch that instead of reading the newspaper.”