Everything you know if you grew up Iranian-American

Don’t let the Shahs of Sunset fool you

AMER (6)

Growing up Iranian-American entails much more than just blowing money, binge drinking and getting into cat fights (sorry Bravo TV).

Whether it’s having to greet every single person in a room when you first enter (that’s a lot of cheek kissing, believe me), or having to explain to your American friends why you have a carpet hanging on your wall (it’s called tapestry, Google it), we Iranian-Americans have everyday struggles, too. With both my parents hailing from Iran, I was #BLESSED with a unique American upbringing. If you were similarly blessed with the Persian perspective, break out the chips and yogurt dip and take a trip down memory lane. If not, get ready to learn about the truth behind the Iranian-American experience.

We have families the size of an army, so it’s no surprise we’re so family oriented

Saturday night plans to go out and drink? The only bar you’ll be going to is at your third cousin’s husband’s sister’s wedding – because it’s rude if you don’t show up.

Oh, you also made plans for a beach day with your friends on Sunday? Uh, think again. It’s your uncle’s monthly Sunday BBQ that you just can’t miss.

There goes your weekend.

You meet new family members at every family gathering who claim they knew you when you were ‘this small’ *signaling to about three feet off the ground*

Ow, my cheeks! They even ask, “Do you remember me?” How could I when I was wearing Gap Kids and watching Dragon Ball Z? (Yes, Dragon Ball Z. Judge me).

You have a cousin with this as his Facebook profile picture

Daaaaaayum, Dariush. Back at it again with the German engineering!

You haven’t been more excited for any movie than you are for My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2, since you’re convinced it’s secretly based on your family

SPOILER ALERT: Fotoula “Toula” Portokalos is my long lost Greek sister, my family members also put flowers in the middle of “bundt” cakes, and no matter how many Americans we date, we know that marrying out of the community makes our ancestors roll in their graves.

When you distribute chai (tea) to your guests, people are already talking to your parents about eligible men to set you up with

No, Roya Joon. I am not interested in your 34-year-old son. We essentially come to terms with the fact that we are brought into this world to serve two ultimate purposes: (1) get married and (2) reproduce.

Your law degree is just background noise.

When you politely decline the host’s food at a party and promise you’re not hungry, they give you a plate filled with food anyway

Not only will they be extremely offended, but they will spend a good five minutes lecturing you on how your body needs food to survive. You slowly find yourself sitting in a Health 101 class you never enrolled in. Apparently fruits and vegetables are reaaaaaaally good for you. Who would’ve known?

Your grandma looks a little something like this

Goals, I know. She uses her gym membership more than I ever will. Can I get an amen?

 

 

Any excuse to throw a party is a good enough excuse to throw a party

Back in 1997, my parents threw a party in honor of my first tooth. I was one-year old.

And somehow at these Iranian parties, you end up being forced into dancing like Drake in “Hotline Bling” with your cousins in the middle of the dance floor while everyone else just watches you and claps along. All eyes on you, buddy. Don’t even try to run the other direction. Grandma has eyes everywhere.

You have killer negotiation skills and always know how to bargain a deal out of anything

Nothing tastes better than free food and getting shit to go our way.

Finally, you’re undeniably and effortlessly born into being a total badass

It’s just in our blood.

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