‘Your worth isn’t found in a number on a scale’: I won my battle with anorexia

Last week was National Eating Disorder Association’s (NEDA) Awareness week. Many young men and women in America suffer from eating disorders, and some of them attend Carolina.

We spoke with 22-year-old Alex Koszeghy, a junior Psychology major, about her struggle with anorexia.

Alex danced ballet most of her life, so there was already quite a focus on body image. But something changed in 2009 when she left for a summer intensive.

She said: “Mine started right before I turned 16. It was something inside my brain that was just like ‘stop eating.’ And so I just started cutting out food, and before I knew it I started losing weight.”

Soon, her instructors started noticing. When she returned home, her dance teacher told her how good she looked.

“That kind of just reinforced it. I was like, ‘OK, I can cut back on a little bit more food.’ Within the course of a month, I was in a full-blown battle with anorexia.”

In the beginning, it was hard for Alex to tell her story, as she has blocked out so many of her emotions during that time. As she moves further into her recovery stage, she has begun to revisit old memories little by little.

“I was at a very sick weight for about two and a half years. It got to the point where I was just praying that I would die every night so that I wouldn’t have to wake up and face the battle that my head was in. It was nonstop, never-ending torture.”

Tears filled her eyes as she recounted this story to us. She said no one understood the hopelessness and loneliness she felt or the voice in her head (called “Ed”) telling her she was fat or that she shouldn’t have eaten that.

But one day she realized she couldn’t keep up her current lifestyle. It was slowly destroying her.

“I opened up my Bible to 2 Corinthians, to that verse that says ‘don’t you know that your body is a temple.’ I felt convicted, and I was like, ‘I can do this, I will get better.'”

She gained a few pounds, and compounded with an injury that forced her to stop dancing, there was a small improvement in her weight.

“It got to the point where I looked healthy, but my head was still in just as much torture. It almost got worse because now, I had this struggle still going on in my head, but I looked healthy, so nobody even knew that I was struggling.”

Her teachers told her to lose weight, which was frustrating to deal with after being told just a year before she needed to gain weight. In hopes that she wouldn’t struggle with body image, Alex decided to stop dancing. But she relapsed by over-exercising and obsessively eating “healthy” foods.

“Then I started Christian counseling – I guess that was about three years ago. The main focus wasn’t on Ed or on body image, but on finding my identity in Christ. For so long, my identity was found in a number on a scale, or in dancing. My recovery was about finding my identity in my worth, and knowing that Christ loves me.”

Anorexia started to lose its grip on her. In summer of 2015, Alex grieved the years she lost while fighting her eating disorder. She had one good friend who stood by her through it all, but besides the one, Alex was friendless. She had a poor relationship with her parents, and realized she had missed so much of life during the time when dancing had consumed it.

In November 2015, Alex decided to write a letter to Ed.

“I had already written a declaration of independence against Ed, telling him, ‘I’m free from you and you no longer have power over me.’ But I just felt God saying, ‘Write a break-up letter to Ed.'”

So she began to write, and told Ed they were officially done.

Ed now has no control over Alex’s life, and she is so thankful for it. Despite everything she has been through, she has still seen some good come from her encounter with an eating disorder.

“Without experiencing the pain and misery that I did, I wouldn’t have the same appreciation for life now. When I laugh and I smile now, it’s the most incredible feeling because I remember what it was like to not be able to find any joy. It’s been so much sweeter now just being able to find God’s freedom.”

And to other students – especially UNC students – who struggle every day with similar issues, Alex says: “Your worth isn’t found in a number on a scale, or a grade, or what teachers say about you. That’s not your value as a person. If that’s where you’re finding your value, you will always be so unsatisfied. Because the scale is going to fail you, your grades are going to fail you, teachers are going to fail you.

“If you realize that those are just things that you do, and not who you are, then that changes everything. It won’t define who you are as a person.”

“Self-acceptance is also a huge part. For so long, I hated myself. When you don’t love yourself, you can’t love other people. It’s when you accept yourself, flaws and all, that you can be joyful.”

“I’m happy,” she said, grinning. “It’s so corny, but it’s true. It’s the little things – laughing uncontrollably, or having no shame if I embarrass myself, being awkward, just being myself. I’m happy.”

If you are struggling with an ED, call the NEDA hotline at (800) 931-2237.

@ijesscametosay