‘It’s kind of like online dating’: An honest college application to UMiami

To the Office of Undergraduate Admissions, or whoever is their secretary,

I was asked to write about myself in 600 words or less but instead, I’m going to cut to the chase, and tell you why I would be a promising addition to the freshman class of 2020.

I recently started online dating and I can admit, without a doubt, that applying to UM has been pretty much the same process, so it is safe to assume that my application is of utmost standards.

First, I made a profile with hobbies I like doing. Of course, I didn’t include my actual hobbies, that would be ridiculous, but rather the ones that make me seem like a half-decent human being. But don’t worry, everyone else is lying on their application, so don’t judge me.

Some of them included: pairing homeless dogs with new families, even though I’m allergic to dogs, volunteering at my local hospital by cleaning bed sheets, even though I’m a bonafide germophobe, and the best one, writing children’s books during my spare time, even though kids are my pet peeve.

Nonetheless, I’m certain these selfless activities caught your attention, so much so that you felt the urge to continue reading through my application to see all the other exemplary things I’ve done with my life. If this is true, then that means I have hooked yet another date, and all I really need is for you to swipe right, and I’ll be on my way to college.

I understand that Miami was recently ranked 10th in having some of the nation’s most attractive students, well done – I’m proud of you. I must say, I was quite hesitant in applying at first because I didn’t want to attend a school where I would have to study alongside Victoria’s Secret Angels and Abercrombie and Fitch models, let alone a place where my self esteem would be pummeled every time I stepped outside. But then I thought it might be beneficial to be constantly surrounded by people that bring out my insecurities and flaws, so I would build a stronger character and mental fortitude (are you impressed by my use of “fortitude”?).

If accepted into this gorgeous university, I assure you that I will deal with being the “Ugly Duckling” of my friends, for the sake of a meritable education.

When it comes to sports, I can proudly say, I’ve done them all: two days of football sophomore year, half an hour of soccer practice my junior year, and five minutes of weightlifting my freshman year until I realized I was in the wrong room. This however, you don’t need to know. Instead I’ll tell you I was involved in all three of these after school activities whilst also balancing my grades and social life.