‘Spitters are quitters’: UMass students’ worst puke stories

Errybody spewin’ in Berk

Let’s just get this out of the way, puking is disgusting. But, puking is also universal. We’ve all been there. We go about our day as if everything is normal and then all of a sudden, game over.

Or maybe it’s a slow simmer. We feel nauseous for hours before it finally manifests. Whatever the case, or cause, it’s happened to you at one point or another.

Recently my friend had a truly terrible incident involving puke. One that is too brutal to be shared with the internet, even anonymously. But it made me wonder if I could find a story that was even worse.

So, I asked around, and here is what I found (SPOILER ALERT: one of these stories is mine).

I asked for your worst story, not your most convenient:

“Thanksgiving sophomore year I was flying home on an early flight. I was super hungover and struggled all morning. Once I got on the plane I got super nauseous and before we took off I threw up in may barf bag and a flight attendant saw me. She asked me if I was okay and I was really embarrassed and didn’t know what to say so I told her I was pregnant. She moved me to first class because she thought I’d be more comfortable.”

We get it, you went abroad:

“I threw up under a table at a club in Barcelona.”

Class High Horse behavior:

“One time I was at a bar and I barfed into a pitcher. I didn’t know what to do with it so I just left it on the bar.”

The miracle of life:

“In high school I was staying at my friend’s house who lived in a different town. I puked in her bathtub and fell asleep in the tub. She has a phobia of vomit so her pregnant mom had to help me.”

Idiots abroad:

“In high school I went on a school trip to England and we were spending two days in London. On the first day I got really bad food poisoning. When I laid down to go to bed I immediately felt like I was going to puke so I ran to the bathroom but the lights were off. I tripped over my suitcase and face planted into my roommate’s open suitcase and threw up all over his stuff.”

An all time low, I hope:

“Inside a trash can, as in I was inside it not just puking into it.”

Follow up question; who hasn’t thrown up at Berk?

“Berk. I tried to contain it on the table with my arms. The guy at the table next to me just looked at me with such disappointment.”

A question of human morality:

“In high school I was really into this older guy, I think I was 15 and I had just drank a 6 pack of mikes hard to my face. So my tiny drunk ass sneaks out to see him and he picks me up in his car. He’s monologuing about something, driving around mad fast, taking all these fast turns when suddenly, I realize I’m about to ralph.

I start planning where I’m gonna do this, how to do it and keep my cool, going fucking green in the face, trying so hard to hide from this cool guy that I’m about to blow hard lemonade all over his Ford Taurus. He’s still talking about his day or some shit when it fucking happens. I feel 6 Mikes come back up my throat so hard it was like the Hoover damn burst.

But I fucking like this guy, right? I can’t be the fucking girl who boots all over his car, right? No. I can’t. And I won’t. So. I clamp my fucking jaw shut tight as a ratchet ass bear trap and hamster cheek my own vomit. I look at this guy, he’s still fucking talking. There’s nowhere to run. Nowhere to spit. Not an empty coffee cup or shrubbery in sight. I did it. I did the unthinkable. I squeezed my eyes shut. Took a deep breath. And swallowed.”

Spitters are quitters.

UMass Amherst