Why caffeine is my drug of choice

I had a coffee and wrote this in 10 minutes

Caffeine is considered a legal drug, the best kind there is, and I am not naive to its greatness.

I love caffeine, I am in my purest form when I am hyped up on caffeine.

Here is why I think it is the greatest substance to abuse.

It’s Legal!

I’m sadly not 21 yet (except in Rhode Island) and my mom raised me to be a real straight edge (or so she tried). I am not allowed to drink, I’m not allowed to talk about drinking, and I’m not allowed to be in my mother’s presence while drunk.

The reason for this isn’t because I would probably tell her my darkest secrets, but because it’s illegal. You should have seen me when my family went to Italy. My parents now know that I am straight up SAVAGE. But now that I’m back in the states I have to keep my savage alter ego hidden.

But ya know what’s not illegal? COFFEE. I can have as much coffee as I want and my mom and the cops can’t say a damn thing!


It’s easy to get

There’s no going through a friend’s cousins boyfriend to get your fix, all you have to do is go to the nearest cafe and demand an Americano with two turbo shots.

Me sporting my beloved coffee at a tailgate

Me sporting my beloved coffee at a tailgate

It’s cheaper

I live for dining dollars, and wanna know what I can get with dining dollars? Coffee, Monsters, Redbulls, and five hour energy.  Wanna know what I can’t get with dining dollars? Rubinoff.

It’s socially acceptable

Show up to class with a coffee? Totally cool. Going to a family party with a coffee? Half my family is addicted to coffee, it’s no big deal.  Waking up and having a coffee? America runs on Dunkins.

Do all this with a mix drink? Suddenly you’re an “alcoholic”?

Is this not the saddest picture you've ever seen?

Is this not the saddest picture you’ve ever seen?

No high quite like it

Theres no high quite as pleasant then a caffeine high. You can workout, do homework, wake up, stay up, clean up, basically ANYTHING.Try doing that after a bong hit? (Spoiler alert: you can’t)

You’re on Hyperspeed

Forget regular speed, the drug I want is caffeine.  I can do anything and my brain works so much faster. It’s a stimulant that I have grown quite fond of. I can talk 100 miles a minute and my wit is unparalleled.

Proof of this is the fact that I wrote this article in 10 minutes after chugging a black coffee and am still listening to my Wildlife lecture.

Only downside is I’m sitting here cross legged because I have to pee so badly and there’s still 25 minutes left.

UMass Amherst