It’s not me, it’s you: The truth about breakups

A friend of mine confided in me about his post-relationship woes this past weekend.

As I spent the day of hearts and flowers holed up in my room, wrapped in a blanket and chugging tequila out of a bag, I listened to his story with bated contempt.

Not because I was running out of cheesy bread and my vision was starting to blur, making it impossible to read the categories on “Family Feud,” but because I knew how his story would end: With a life-changing revelation about how he should be living his life more in accordance with what his ex-significant other wanted, and misery over his inability to do so.

First of all, I had no idea why my friend would possibly be talking about relationships with me, of all people.

I have taken part in two-and-a-half borderline legitimate relationships, one of which ended with me throwing a bag full of clothing into a ravine, and another with the near dismantling of my entire psyche. And, after a nasty breakup following a week-long fling in grade six, I slashed myself bangs bad enough to make 2007 Britney Spears look like Jen Aniston.

I am not a relationship expert. I am not a life expert. Nor am I a breakup expert. Nor should I be trusted with advice, caretaking of animals, or some sharp objects. But in my opinion, after two decades of first hand experience with not necessarily relationships, but human beings, I have come to the conclusion that making life-altering decisions in the wake of a breakup is, at least 8 out of 10 times, a terrible idea.

So when your broken-hearted friend is threatening to shave their head and move to Tibet after that guy from Red Lobster doesn’t call back, tell them to repeat after me:

Sometimes it’s not me, it’s you.

Sometimes, relationships just don’t work. Sometimes, you just don’t like horses as much as she does. Sometimes you’re sick of going to his stupid frat formals and watching him throw up on his Sperrys. Even though she’s calling you crying every night, telling you that if you just put down the video games/got a better paying job/shaved your beard, you could still be having mediocre sex with her, sometimes, and stay with me on this one, You. Don’t. Have to.

Self reflection is a good thing. Too much of it will eat you alive. When a relationship is over, it can be so easy to look back and say “Where did I go wrong?”

But, sometimes, the answer is nowhere.

It’s hard to accept that there is nothing you could have done to save a relationship, but the fact is that not everybody is going to mesh with everybody, and that’s not your fault. Searching for blame to put on yourself after a relationship goes bad is an easy trap to fall into and a hard cycle to get out of, but beating yourself up won’t make your shitty breakup/relationship suck any less.

Contrary to popular belief, you ARE allowed to say, “It just wasn’t working for me anymore.”

Again, some self reflection in the wake of a breakup is good. It can be helpful to make a lifestyle change to get that person out of your head (after all, that hack job on my bangs felt damn good after finding out my ex was holding hands with another girl at recess).

So cut your hair. Get a new job. Start going to the gym. But don’t do it because you think doing it is going to please them or bring them back. Do it for you.

Don’t mold yourself into something you’re not happy with for someone who isn’t going to be happy with you.

There are a lot of ex-girlfriends out there who hate me for writing this, and honestly, I hate me a little bit too. I would love for every one of my exes to wake up today and say “I’m going to stop drinking/sleeping around/being a douchebag because I love Rachel and I would feel better if I just listened to her.” Then, I want them to pick me up in their new private jet and whisk me away to our private island on a bed of money.

Relationships are largely about compromise, but breakups are not. If you love someone, appreciate them, want to be with them and have the energy and capacity to change for them, and listen to them, and really work on your relationship then go for it. Try. Try because you’re worth it and they’re worth it and love conquers all! Effort is sexy! Try and fail and get back up as many times as you can. But only that many times.

Because… you really, truly, seriously don’t have to change your life after a breakup.

Sometimes there’s no recipe, no protocol, no miracle cure that is going to make that relationship work, and part of being in a relationship is knowing when you’ve hit that wall. But that’s a-okay. Life goes on. That other person will be okay.

And, spoiler alert: You will be okay, too.