If 2016 presidential candidates were UMass residential areas

In light of the 2016 Presidential Election, the candidates on both sides of the political spectrum have gotten a chance to show the world who they are and what they stand for, in debates, interviews, and twitter fights.

Here at UMass, we get a chance to show the world who we are and what we stand for every day, starting with one of the most important decisions one makes as an Amherst student:

Where you’re living on campus.

Not unlike the presidential elects, it’s no secret each residential area has its own personality. There have been as many jokes about Southwest and O’Hill as there have been about Rick Santorum and Carl Fiorina.

Heck, there has even been a Sketch22 video parody about the residential stereotypes, like the various SNL portrayals of GOP elects in the past. But with our politically savvy campus, The Tab asked ourselves the question you didn’t know you needed an answer to.

So, without further ado, here it is: UMass Residential Areas, if they were 2016 Presidential Candidates.

Central Campus – Bernie Sanders

What, like you didn’t guess this one? Central Campus is Bernie Sanders. Central Campus liked Bernie before he was cool. Let’s be honest here, Bernie probably had a tapestry full of burn holes and a lava lamp in his college dorm room, and what better place to discuss a Marxist revolution than Central.

He would have loved people watching at Frank, and denouncing the war on drugs just as much as that one guy you’ve smoked with from Van Meter a couple times, who totally took your lighter. Bernie loves recycling, fights for women’s rights, and is an advocate for peace, love, kindness, and socialism, just like the residents of Central.

If you’re still not convinced, try wearing a “Make America Great Again” T-Shirt in central, and see how long it takes for someone to scream “Fuck the corporate world!” out the window of their 2002 Subaru Outback, proudly displaying a “Feel the Bern” bumper sticker.

Orchard Hill – Hillary Clinton

Hillary, like Bernie, fights for many of the same political and social reforms which make her a top democratic candidate. She’s one of the most qualified people for the job, and O’Hill is one of the most beautiful areas on campus – truly the first-lady of UMass.

But, Hillary often ends up second-best, and so does the Hill. Sure, they can talk about raising middle class incomes, fighting for the oppressed and underprivileged, and discuss the importance of free higher education…

O’Hill, those are still Abercrombie jeans, L.L. Bean boots, and Urban Outfitters socks you’re wearing under that North Face jacket. Tell us more about how anti-corporate you are.

Southwest – Donald Trump

I’m sure some of our Swesty brethren are outraged by this comparison. So outraged, in fact, they may take to Twitter or YikYak to express their displeasure. Like someone else we know.

Southwest puts the “Zoo” in Zoomass, and Trump puts the “dumb” in freedom. While Trump and Southwest are two of the most talked about things in their respective categories, they are also population-wide jokes.

Everyone in America waits at their TV for the next idiotic thing Trump is going to say or do, and all of UMass waits eagerly for the next Southwest Riot or Swesty to make the Barstool or Masslive pages as the “drunkest kid ever”.

Swestians and Trump alike probably think Trump’s daughter is super hot. They both end up saying ignorant things about things they don’t understand. And, of course, both watch the world go by from their perch in a tower, insulting those beneath them, and drinking vodka from a sippy-cup.

But hey, everyone still wants to party with Swest.

Northeast – Jeb Bush

Jeb Bush smoked weed. Once.

Commonwealth Honors College – Ben Carson

Ben Carson is a freaking brain surgeon. He’s smart. He’s got degrees and accolades, life-changing and historical surgeries under his belt, and has written New York Times bestsellers.

But, like the CHC, he often has to be reminded that yes, even he doesn’t know everything.

Sylvan – Lincoln Chafee

Wait, who invited this guy? Is he even running? Did he drop out? Is he a transfer or something? Lincoln Chafee and Sylvan are widely considered the most irrelevant in their fields, though they’re both considered pleasant.

No one wants to live in Sylvan and few people know where it is, while nobody cared about Lincoln Chafee as a candidate, but we’re pretty sure one of his policies involved adopting the metric system. Chafee eventually dropped out of the 2016 race.

Those who move to Sylvan, however, drop off the face of the Earth.