2017 New Year’s resolutions for American Women

We should be realistic

Bidding adieu to the high’s and low’s of 2016, American women are ready to welcome 2017 with open arms, especially since events in the previous year alluded to great things to come for us. But, to welcome in a new year means to also be ready to welcome in new changes in ourselves.

In order to avoid disappointment, we should content ourselves with things we know we can achieve: the construction of the perfect sandwich

Here are the New Year’s Resolutions women in the U.S. should make for 2017:

Wear more skirts/dresses

Skirts and dresses, unlike pants, offer less coverage of our private parts. This means they allow for maximum pussy-grabbage for any man/President who desires such activity. This also means it will be easier for the desperate ones of the male species to demonstrate their superiority and appease their overblown egos, ensuring the overall peace and order of society.

Drink less– or quit drinking altogether

Actually, make that “Stay far away from all alcoholic beverages and events where such substances are consumed,” for 2016 proved to women, especially those in college, that simply being at a party puts us at risk of luring some poor male into our evil lairs. In fact, he might even lose his place at a prestigious university, or God forbid, get suspended from playing a sport. All because the combination of booze and vagina led them astray! Let’s take one of the two out of the equation and all shall be well in 2017.

Embrace motherhood

2017 is the year to start picking out baby clothes, baby-proofing your living space, and looking for a nice suburb with a good school district to settle down in. With the next administration’s attitudes on birth control and abortion, it became clear to us that for the sexually active female, the only option is accepting what our biology enabled us to do: give birth. Of course, abstinence seems like it could be another option, but first of all, that seems rather difficult (refer to previous resolutions) and second of all, please.

Shut up (more)

In 2016, women who opened their mouths to vocalize their thoughts were told that they were “too shrill” or that they were “fascinated with sex“. To remedy that, let’s stop vocalizing. In fact, let’s just stop thinking altogether. Thought takes up too much precious time– precious time we could be spending to find shoe sales. Plus, it obviously seems to be creating much distress to the male specious. And we all know what happens when men are stressed: they start a nuclear arms race via Twitter.

Do less

Admit it, ladies: you’re all tired, worn out, pooped. You’ve spent the last few decades emerging from the kitchen into male-dominated fields, getting promotions, top government positions, and trying to fit SoulCycle into your schedule. You have bags under your eyes and some of you haven’t pooped in a few days. The reason to all of this stress? Women are out there, doing shit. Stop that. Recent events have shown that no matter how hard you have worked or how much experience you have, you can still be beat by a male reality star. It’s futile, so in 2017, let’s all resolve to do less and reclaim our kitchens. Except for Kate McKinnon– keep doing your thing; you are a goddess.

Lower expectations

Recent progress made by women and feminist movements, including enhanced awareness of campus sexual assault and increased female representation in Congress, may have given vaginas across the country that they can do anything they want and achieve anything they want. We even had two female presidential candidates in both primaries. We had our first female nominee of a major political party who many believed would make history on election day. Unfortunately, she didn’t. And despite said awareness on college campuses, a convicted rapist still got away with only three months in prison. And despite said representation, women’s right to choose has been under attack across several states, and stands to be further threatened in the months and years to come. In order to avoid disappointment, we should content ourselves with things we know we can achieve: the construction of the perfect sandwich.

Be less emotional 

Some of the latest events in this country have caused many women (and minorities/disabled people/foreigners/journalists…) to have an overwhelming(ly negative) reaction. Many say these reactions are too pessimistic, too catastrophic, and too bitchy. To summarize many of the other points on this list: stop it. Emotion is merely the result of our weak minds submitting to the influences of our uteri and Ryan Gosling’s eyes in The Notebook. So in the coming year, let’s resolve to be less reactionary, for the amount of things we’d want to react to will probably increase at staggering rates.

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University of Delaware