10 Delaware residents you can write in for President of the Unites States
I did not make this shit up
With Election Day looming in the distance like light at the end of a tunnel (that light being a giant, apocalyptic fire threatening to engulf our democracy), many U.S. citizens are still finding themselves wrestling between the choices of a Trump or Clinton presidency.
But fear not! They are not the only people vying for the highest seat in the nation.
Of course, there’s Jill Stein and Gary Johnson, but if the fact that Johnson doesn’t know what one of the most important cities in Syria is or the fact that Stein is a bit iffy on whether vaccinations are necessary makes them as unappealing as the former two, I have a few more for you.
“Possible” as in they have a chance? Not really. “Possible” as in they are official write-in candidates who have more or less created their own snazzy campaign websites? Yes!
For this article, I decided to pull 10 people from Delaware’s list of write-in candidates and conduct a thorough investigation on each of them through the most comprehensive tool I have on hand: Google. Just in case some of you didn’t know, Delaware only accepts write-ins of “official” write-in candidates, who have to establish their candidacy by a certain date.
Disclaimer: I did not make any of this sh*t up. These people are real.
Star Locke
Star Locke is a conservative candidate from Texas because of course he is. Star is an American veteran, for which we should respect him for, but now let’s move on. On his site, he uses derogatory terms to describe Mexicans, uses a horribly graphic picture of a fetus to introduce his position on abortion (guess what that is!), and makes several claims that Islam is not a religion, but a military state aimed at conquering the world. This makes perfect sense, as we have seen throughout the 17th to 20th centuries that Islam was the major religion of world powers seeking to colonize, enslave, and claim vast portions of the worl– wait.
He does, however, have a cute horse.
Cherunda Fox
Cherunda Fox is an independent write-in candidate from Detroit, Michigan. She wants to increase spending in education by one trillion dollars, without increasing tax, because why not? Believe it or not, this is one of the few sane and understandable positions she makes on her website. Under “National Security” she makes some random points about treason, under “Women’s Issues” she only offers a warm Mother’s Day message, and under “Michelle Obama” she discusses the current First Lady’s murder spree sparked by her husband’s illegitimate baby.
“What?!?” you are probably asking. My answer is, “Join the Wave, Goodbye Obamanations. Vote Fox 2016!”
David Limbaugh
Remember that really cool Social Studies teacher you had in high school? Meet David Limbaugh, a high school government teacher with a crazy IQ (he’s a Mensa) and a lot of balls. This isn’t Limbaugh’s first run-in with politics. In 2000, he ran in the Tennessee Republican primary and in 2010, he ran for a local mayoral election, both of which he lost but captured an impressive 31% of the vote. And how can he not? Look at that determination.
He also wants to eliminate the Federal Department of Education, explaining his position by linking a video to a John Oliver segment, because when in doubt, look to HBO. YouTube videos are a prominent feature of his website. He also has a section on youth baseball which is kind of cute. Limbaugh doesn’t seem like a bad guy, but maybe he’s better suited to being the cool government teacher than running for office.
Gloria La Riva
Gloria La Riva is probably the only candidate on this list who shouldn’t at least undergo mental evaluation. She is an American activist and a member of the Party for Socialism and Liberation. I know the word “socialism” is blasphemous in our country, and if you say it three times Denmark will come and force free healthcare on you, but I think after reading Fox’s positions, it doesn’t seem so bad. The “10-Point” program she proposes on her website contains remarks like, “For the earth to live, capitalism must end.”
Karl Marx wrote one of the greatest books of the 19th century on the same idea and much of the developed world still operates under capitalism.
Paij Boring
Paij Boring aims to restore traditional values, end the gridlock, and use the skills she has learned in the business world to become an effective president in the future of an alternate universe. She wants to promote fiscal responsibility as a way to decrease the unemployment rate and promote private-sector job growth. But that’s the boring stuff.
Did you know that her pirate name is Iron Mary Flint? “Arr!” (Quote from her website.) Do either Trump or Clinton have pirate names? Who’s really focusing on the real issues here?
Rocky Roque De La Fuente
If the sound of a #Rocky2016 presidential win does not excite you, maybe his election reforms will! He claims major problems with ballot access, election fraud, and election manipulation that undermine our democracy. Do his points seem a little conspiracy-esque? Sure, but do you remember Cherunda Fox?
Ajay Sood
While some candidates are financed by big corporations and Super PACs, real American candidates do things the right way: with a GoFundMe campaign. Ajay Sood joins Green Party candidate Jill Stein as the two independent candidates running from Kansas. I couldn’t find much on his positions, except for some anti-Obama videos on his Facebook and a claim on said GoFundMe page that he is launching his campaign to avoid facing foreclosure, a tactic I must admit that I somewhat admire– as I also do with this incredible picture of him standing outside what looks like a liquor store with sunglasses and a suit.
David Librace
Because your next president should do his campaigning through a Weebly account. He also concerns himself heavily with issues of voter fraud, but Librace chooses to remain optimistic. He makes sure to “thank everyone for their positive comments” even though, looking through his blog, there does not seem to be any comments at all. That type of outlook is what we need looking over our country.
Jerry White
Jerry White is running as a member of the Socialist Equality Party (SEP), and actually has a pretty comprehensive website. I’m not just saying this as a liberal-minded, communist college student. White actually offers comprehensive explanations of his positions backed by figures and charts and other official-looking things. While this may be good for anyone who really seeks to understand who he is as a candidate, it doesn’t help with the “everyone is crazy” theme of my article. So we’re going to move on.
J.J. Vogel-Walcutt
Dr. J.J. Vogel-Walcutt, like others on our list, likes to take advantage of cutting-edge technology in order to explain her platforms. You can find all her positions from taxes to abortion on her YouTube channel, where she literally illustrates her explanations by writing on a white board. This makes her idea of switching to a goods and services-only tax in order to ensure a greater margin of people pay their fair share of taxes more feasible because, as in any lecture, you start to zone out after a few seconds and end up not understanding what she’s saying. On the bright side, she does seem to have an affinity for red heels which is a platform I can totally get behind. (Get it? Platform? Heels? HA.)
You asked for more choices. Here they are.