The many miserable phases of an all-nighter: explained
‘Oh crap, what have I done?’
Now that the semester is officially up and running, and the majority of us are prepping for an onslaught of examinations, papers, and endless “Don’t wait until the last minute to do this” lectures from our professors, I decided to warn inform those unfamiliar with the process about what they were in for.
Some of you have you lives together, and wake up with the sun every morning, after eight hours of restful sleep – homework completed. What a concept. You sip on your kale smoothie and organize you already organized desk files while contemplating what jobs you should apply for next. For the rest of us, our life is a constant shit-storm of “Was this paper due yesterday or today?” and we have to do what we can with that.
Phase one: ‘Oh crap, what have I done?’
Or more appropriately, what haven’t you done? Because if you had listened to the little voice in your head telling you, “No, don’t binge watch Grey’s Anatomy or you’ll regret it later,” then maybe, you wouldn’t be regretting it right now. This one is on you, my friend.
Phase two: ‘I need caffeine or I am going to die here’
By now, you’ve realized that it will be impossible to get all of the work you need to get done completed if you waste precious hours sleeping. You convince yourself sleep is a conspiracy invented by the government to make average citizens less productive. In order to fuel the long night ahead of you, several cups of coffee, tea, and the occasional energy drink will be needed.
Phase three: The hopeful ‘I’ll be done by 3am’
No. No you won’t.
Phase four: The second hopeful ‘I’ll be done by 4am’
Nope.
Phase five: Eat-everything-in-sight even though you don’t want it
You gotta have energy, right? It’s absolutely necessary to eat that entire carton of Ben and Jerry’s AND all the instant noodles you can get your hands on. It’s for academic reasons. You would be cheating your education if you didn’t.
Phase six: Hallucinations
Maybe not actual hallucinations (although I swear I once saw an elephant in an adjacent building), but the combination of fatigue and excessive caffeine/junk food you’ve consumed begin to take their toll on both your body and your psyche. You’ll start questioning your own vision. What are you even writing? What are you even solving? Does any of it even matter?
Phase seven: This is a God dream
You’re so tired that you’ll start to feeling unreal – your mind becomes detached from your body and its actions. Are you dreaming? Is this all just one terrible nightmare caused by the stress you’re dealing with? Will you ever wake?
Phase eight: Realization
You’re not dreaming. And… HOLY CRAP YOU’VE BEEN WRITING IN SIZE THIRTEEN FONT?????
Phase nine: Additional realizations and general crankiness
You’re screwed. You’ve accepted this. You’re going to flunk out of college, disappoint your parents and that one cool teacher who really believed in you. You’ll probably even die alone in a box, with a paper still due. At this point in the night that everything is most dark, including your soul. According to scientific studies that I just made up, you are at your optimum, “touch me and I’ll punch you in the face” level.
Phase ten: The break of new dawn
You made it out alive! Did you get everything done? Who cares! Better yet, you still have eight minutes left to sleep. Fifteen, if you don’t brush your teeth or change your clothes. Or eat breakfast. Or put on underwear.
Phase eleven: Staying alive the next day
Conversations with other people are going to be hard because you have a hard time understanding what they’re saying. Try absolving this problem by minimizing your social contacts. Likewise with lectures, you probably won’t be able to pay attention to anything. This can also be solved by avoidance. When you walk, it will feel like an out-of-body experience, and you will most likely trip a lot, and run into poles you swear weren’t there two seconds ago. Try solving this by not moving. Perhaps just go home and spend the day in bed.