The beginner’s guide to getting high for the first time

Listen children and listen well

Disclaimer: Marijuana is classified as a Schedule I hallucinogenic substance under the California Uniform Controlled Substances Act. Unless you have a medical cannabis card, possession of or up to 28.5 grams of weed is punishable by a fine of $100. The author takes no responsibility for any future crimes committed by readers of this article. Use weed responsibly, not like a fucking idiot.

It always starts the same. After relentless pressure from friends and acquaintances, you finally give in to their demands. Tonight is the night you smoke weed for the first time.

Congratulations, dude. I’m excited for you. However, I also don’t want your first smoking experience to end in you sprawled on a couch as a half conscious potato filled with paranoia and regret.

Treat marijuana like your significant other: if you love them right, they’ll return the favor in full. If you don’t know how to love weed right, ask a friend who does. (Side note: for those who are smoking someone out for the first time, don’t be that asshole that gets them too fucked up and then dips. With dank power comes dank responsibility.) Here are some things to keep in mind.

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Having a good high is 90 per cent vibes and 10 per cent marijuana, unless your weed is laced with crack or something. Let’s hope that never happens! Disregarding that, what’s important is having a good environment to smoke and be high in.

With that being said, nothing really beats the vibes of smoking outside in the nighttime. Here’s why: all five of your senses are going to be as pumped you would be on anabolic steroids once you get high. Would you rather observe the beauty of the natural world, illuminated by natural and artificial light, or watch dust collect on your laptop screen?


The next thing to consider is the technical aspects of getting high: equipment and planning. Hopefully you have a friend that has the necessary weed paraphernalia (pipe, bong, apple, bucket and water bottle, etc.) and will teach you how to use said paraphernalia. Also bring water in the (absolute) case you cough up all the shame you harbored as a child.

Speaking of a friend: it’s probably smart – no, it is smart – to smoke with someone you trust. As previously mentioned, there is always the off chance that your greens had a few extra ingredients added. Like crack. That would not be ideal.

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All six of your senses (sight, touch, smell, hearing, taste, and your inability to make meaningful social connections) are going to be working in overdrive. It would be a crime not to take advantage of that.

As one close friend puts it, eating while stoned is “nirvana in gastronomic form”. It’s of great importance that you go through a stereotypical IV munchies experience. Doritos is a must. Always have a bag of that shit in your hand. Hit up Naan Stop for some electrifying ethnic food. Likewise go to Freebirds to take a few years off your life.


Also go watch some shit. For something trippy, watch the animated music video for When I Was Done Dying by Dan Deacon. Rick and Morty and Parks and Rec have the weirdly off humor that you as a blazed individual will appreciate. Please, for the love of all that is holy, do not watch How To Get Away With Murder. There’s just too many fucking plot twists man.

Give your ears the ride of their life by listening to some music. “The beat just hits you so much more and vibrates with you,” says a second year UCSB student that wisely decided to withhold his name. Genre doesn’t matter; listen to whatever you like. Notice the intricate details in the instrumentation and let the sounds wash over you.

Not only should you engage the senses, you should also engage your mind. For some reason, people think of weird shit when they’re hgh. Don’t let this rare burst of creative inspiration go to waste. Debate on the feasibility of artificial intelligence. Ponder over why some phrases just don’t accurately depict their meaning, such as “weenus” and “I’ll be there in five minutes bro”. Inquire whether Daniel will forever be “back at it again with the white Vans.”


Coming down

Thankfully, the come down isn’t that bad compared to other drugs (crack cocaine comes to mind). Be aware that you’ll feel super tired as your high wears off. Don’t fret when you feel like spending all of the next day in your bed. Be equally unworried when you start seeing visions of Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders engaging in naked Greek wrestling. Maybe not the last one.

That’s all the guidance I am able to give. I wish you guys a wonderful time. If you have any questions, complaints, or comments, feel free to never contact me. Good luck!

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