The absolute worst Christmas songs ever

I don’t hate Christmas songs in general, I really don’t. Some of my best memories are of riding around with my dad, blasting Christmas music in the car while trying to find the best light displays around town, and I still voluntarily listen to Christmas music every year.

But there are some songs that just need to fall off the face of the Earth, never to invade my ears. For all of you fellow Scrooges, I compiled a list of the worst Christmas songs in the history of holidays. Bah Humbug!

‘It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year’

By Andy Williams

It’s literally not. Clearly, Williams did not take finals season into account when recording this song, endlessly mocking us through our sleep-deprived, coffee-driven downfall. For college students, this is the crap-crappiest season of all, dude. Seriously, who has time for scary ghost stories or toasting marshmallows right now? And those jingle belling kids are just distracting. Save it for New Years.

‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town’

Originally by John Frederick Coots and Haven Gillespie (but every version is equally atrocious)

This song always creeped me out as a kid. I really didn’t need to worry about some dude at the North Pole watching me every time I changed my clothes or used the restroom, even though my mom always assured me that he would avert his gaze. Really, if a kid has to ask that question in the first place, there’s probably something not quite right with the song. Go away, Santa!

‘Do They Know it’s Christmastime’

By Band Aid

Look, I get it. The sentiment is there and the original intentions behind the song were pretty cool, but it’s time to admit that they missed the mark. While this song was intended to raise money and awareness about the famine in Ethiopia, it was ridiculous to frame Africa as a whole as a continent in crisis. There were roughly 50 other countries in Africa when this song was recorded! It’s incredibly problematic to frame an entire continent as a joyless wasteland, ignoring the many diverse and joyful cultures and imply that the delights of our Westernized cultural holiday celebrations are all they need to ease their troubles. Enough of the white savior narrative already.

And don’t even get me started on the remake.

‘Wonderful Christmastime’

By Wings

If it wasn’t bad enough that this song climbs in your head and crawls around like an eternal earworm, the lyrics are laughably terrible. You could drop a box of Christmas-themed magnetic poetry on the floor and find a better song lying in the mess. I’m literally convinced that Paul McCartney put this together just for the excuse to sing the word ‘dong’ 13 times in the same song. There’s really no other explanation.

A choir of children sing this song

My ears bleed all day long

Ding dong, ding dong,

Ding dong, ding oooooo

 ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’

Written by Frank Loesser, performed by various artists

Another creepfest. You didn’t think I was going to leave this one out, did you? While this song sounds sweet and catchy at first, it gets a little scarier every time I listen to it. What’s so festive about coercing a woman after she tells him her parents are freaking out and she has to leave? What did he put in her drink? Why won’t he shut up after she explicitly states that her answer is no? It’s time to leave this song out in the cold.