Tulane alternative facts

Much like Kellyanne Conway, I’m prepared to make some enemies

Layin down some truth (or something that’s close enough)

Everyone loves the B School

I know this is really hard for some finance majors to hear but maybe the B school isn’t the most important school at Tulane. I’m not saying that every B school student has a “master of the universe” mentality, but I’m also not saying that some don’t. We know you have a manicured LinkedIn and a résumé that went through six drafts. We’ve seen your business professional pictures of you sitting in Goldring. You made it your profile picture.

To be fair I am constantly hearing non-business majors say “I hate the B School” and I nod my head, but I don’t fully understand why we hate the business school. Is it the product of some age-old feud between B School and everyone else? Has the conflict existed since time immemorable? Is there a biological basis for the animosity or is it a social phenomenon? I don’t have all the answers. I think we just love to hate y’all.

Sharp is just as good as Monroe

It’s not like Monroe is better, it’s just not worse than Sharp. People that live/lived in Sharp may say it’s not that bad, and they may even say they liked it. This is what psychologists call confirmation bias. They are so blinded by their perceptions of Sharp that the moment they are faced with even a hint of information that proves that Sharp is a travesty their minds literally cannot process it. That’s science folks.

I go on a run in Audubon (almost) every day

I mean there are definitely people that do this. I don’t know them, but they exist. Let’s be real with each other – even saying almost every day is a stretch. All I know is that a lot of self-proclaimed daily runners have a bad habit of ending up in bed with Netflix opened. Who needs to run when you can queue?

Tulane students? Don’t see em

“Broadway Pizza”

It’s Boot pizza. I don’t know what they were thinking. It will never not be Boot pizza. If I’m eating pizza at 2:00 a.m. in front of the Boot? It’s Boot pizza. If I’m holding said pizza while I watch a guy chug a bottle of André it’s Boot pizza. If it comes out of a window that is literally attached to The Boot – you guessed it – it’s called Boot pizza. “Broadway” pizza is not classier.

Quick tip: drunk college students getting pizza after midnight are entirely unfazed by marketing ploys. I was going to buy the damn pizza no matter what you called it. That’s why I’m so mad that the change was made in the first place!

Me and my BOOT pizza

“I’m from New York City”

Shut up. We all know you’re probably from New Jersey or Long Island. Westchester doesn’t count either. Just say Westchester, we all know what it is by now.

We have maps

The B School addition will be done in January

Considering how long it took for the top two floors of Howie T. to get finished, I would consider myself lucky for the glorified lobby to open on time. When I’m sitting in class in the ROTC building and my professor is literally shouting over the jackhammers I do tend to wonder if it will all be worth it. I will be especially annoyed if we had to deal with the constant construction only to graduate before it’s opened.

Nice lobby!

Stern is the prettiest building on campus

I wish that I was able to demolish Stern immediately. I hate Stern with a passion. There were so many ways they could have designed it, and I’m fairly sure they chose the worst one. It doesn’t matter that it somehow resembles binary code, just bulldoze it.

This is some east Berlin trash

Cow Cat is alive and well living on the shores of the Gulf sipping Long Island Iced teas and watching the ships go by

Unfortunately, this one is definitely fake news.

“I hate Buzzfeed”

Every girl I’ve met at this school says they hate Buzzfeed and yet they seem to be taking a Buzzfeed quiz on a near hourly basis. They say that quizzes with names like “what is your inner potato?” and “these cereal brands will determine what age you’ll get married” are ridiculous as they are taking them. Am I going crazy? Am I missing something? How does Buzzfeed’s inanity simultaneously repel and attract? I’m not calling Buzzfeed fake news, but I do have a lot of lingering questions…

Bruff is way better than Luff


Plot Twist: As it turns out, you are not entitled to your alternate facts. Sorry ConCon.