Mumps 101: How to avoid the fever and protect yourself
Be selfish – share nothing
A zombie epidemic has broken out in Syracuse! The scandalous mumps have made their way back into the headlines and it’s our job to make sure it doesn’t stay that way.
everyone at syracuse has the mumps our political system is going down the drain and I am losing my mind this is the end of the world
— victoria (@victoria_patti) October 27, 2017
What was that you said? Out of sight, out of mind? Don't think so. You're gonna need the full lowdown for this one.
No, we're not living in Brad Pitt's World War Z but we seriously do need to kill the chances of mumps spreading by making sure you're aware of it and that you evade all chances of possible contamination.
These simple procedures are brought to you by Good Uncle, the best delivery service on campus (but you already knew that). Anyway, let's dig right into it:
Suck it up and get MMR Vaccinated
The Hollywood narrative of injections being the devil's worst gift to earth needs to turn over a new leaf – they're seriously not that bad. I mean, it's only 1.5 seconds of hell but I'm sure anyone who's walked up Waverly Ave could suck in the pain. Deep breathes. Keep your chin up and clench those arthritic fists, you'll be good.
the mumps have officially beaten syracuse university….we are defeated
— 🖤🍯🦎🍒✨🌻⛓ (@criveraaa_) October 27, 2017
The health service isn't that bad a place to visit anyways. Excluding the phone calls where they play down your pain and peg you in a free slot next week, they are pretty caring people. Trust the process.
So snap out of it! It isn't the end of the world, just a goddamn injection. You're nine times more unlikely to get mumps, so get that long prick stuck in you. Its ejaculation isn't only worth your time, it's rather helpful for your well-being (don't take my word for it).
Be selfish – share nothing
Fellas, leave no stones unturned; you'd be a fool not to keep food away from others at this point. That includes your hungry hubby, the self-proclaimed food-taster in your squad and the random blonde bombshell that's blackout at Kimmel and wants a bite of your Stromboli. No, it's not a sexual innuendo, stop objectifying blonde bombshells, they're people too. This goes for drinks as well so no, she can't have no "sippy sippy".
Shut your mouth
…when you cough or sneeze.
You'd want to slip away from the dude behind you coughing his lungs out without covering his mouth. It's not only proper etiquette —shutting your mouth when you cough or sneeze (imagine doing both simultaneously) is a sign of good home training. Please don't abandon the manners you had at home. Shut your trap son.
I just coughed and somebody literally just whispered mumps next to me
— Liam Chambers (@licham99) October 25, 2017
Plus, stats say you're more likely to get a "bless you" if you manage to heroically cover up a sneeze. The extra bit of dopamine granted in those words could be the difference between whether or not you get depression later on in life. That's the butterfly effect (not the Travis Scott song).
Come clean and correct
Use hand sanitizer to wobble away from any sort of contamination. I can't stress this enough but they are essential, so make sure you dial in on them and become the hygiene freak your mum brought you up to be.
If you have it….
That's no school for a week! The first five days of salivary gland swellings are contagious so it's best you kick your roommate out and lock yourself up for a 120 hour Netflix binge. You've also got sympathy points so get your friends to buy you Ben and Jerry's on their way back from Ernie as you revel in hiatus.
On a deeper level, think of it as flunking your midterm, failure begets success. Keep your head up as you seek out medication and stay strong because we love you and we're all here to ensure your ride back to good health is as smooth as our virtual tour.
You might also be into those funny colored cigarettes so if self-medication is your side hustle back to recovery, more power to you. Remember, don't prosecute the present, there's nothing fundamentally wrong, not even by a long shot. Fast-forward to Thanksgiving and you'd be just fine. Stay jiggy.
All in all, we should all be a tad bit more careful regarding our personal hygiene because if you fail to adhere to protocol, you might have a rather odd future. Symptoms only appear 12-25 days (2-4 weeks) after so you never know what the Gods have planned for you.
As for the zombies, we know it's Halloween, but you might have to sit this one out. Don't come out and make a killing, we need you back at home, chilling like a villain. Till then, we send peace, love and magic.