Ah, February: the season of PDA and pessimism

It’s officially February and you know what that means: it’s time for St. Valentine to spread his love and emotion to everyone. A time affection and the desire is in the air, and many people make sure to show it. How joyous and sweet that sounds… for some people. For others, February and the 14th day of this month brings an abnormal and uncontrollable amount of pessimism, cynicism, and any other kind of negative -ism you can think of. Whether we’re single, can’t be with our partner right now, or simply in a much more laid back relationship, witnessing couples on campus display their excessive PDA can be excruciating. Let’s take a look at the kind of couples that bring us the most pain.

The “Funeral March” Couple

Any kind of slow walker is unfathomably irritating, but that irritation is taken to the next level when it’s behind a sappy couple. There’s slow, and then there’s couples blocking out the rest of the world slow. When I’m on my way to my class that begins in 3 minutes the last thing I want to do is stare at the back of your bobbing heads while I struggle to swerve around you without getting hit by the incoming traffic coming the other way. Do us all a favor and take your lovey stroll elsewhere, preferably someplace where you won’t be disrupting the everyday dynamics of a college campus.

The “Separation Anxiety” Couple

Didn’t I see both of you in my first class of the day? And my second?…… And my third? Oh, I see, you have to take every class at the same time because it doesn’t feel right to not be together every second of the day. Cute! I’m glad you two are sharing the gift of knowledge together. I can really tell by how all you do for the entirety of the class is hold hands and pet one other. Honestly, #goals.

The “Human Pretzel” Couple

You do realize that if you separate, even by an inch, you will be okay? You will remain a couple, he will still love you, he will still get you Starbucks before class every day, and he will still text back within 45 seconds each time. I don’t even understand how it’s comfortable to have your legs wrapped over and under his, your arms circled twice around his torso and your head in the crook of his neck to the point where you can’t even see through to the wall behind you. It just becomes uncomfortable when we’re trying to talk to one of you but can’t avoid having to mentally acknowledge the other human being twisted around you. Not fun.

The “Every Nicholas Sparks Movie Ever” Couple

I promise you are indeed going to see each other again in 55 minutes. If something catastrophic happens and it ends up being more than that, my sincerest apologies. But let’s be real, it is totally unnecessary to have an emotional breakdown in front of the classroom that I am quietly trying to scoot into. All that hugging and kissing and “I just love you so much!” talk will come again soon, very soon. No one wants to see any of that anyway. Please take my word for it.

The “Sloth and Tree” Couple

Just… why? Is simply holding hands really not good enough for you to the point where you have to hug and walk at the same time? Yes, maybe it is cold out, but there are others ways to warm up other than using your partner’s body heat. I’ll even take the awkward wrap-around arm over this. And once again, you’re going way too slow. Speed it up.

The “My Friend Who?” Couple

We have all been a victim of a couple that completely and utterly drops all of their friends when they start dating. Apparently, there is no time outside of their relationship for any other people to be scheduled in. In college, it’s pretty easy for this to happen as the couple is practically living together and are able to spend every waking second in each other’s company. But really, we’re happy for them, because they are just so in love that they are able to completely forget who their friends even are. Now that sounds like something special.

The “We Might As Well Be Using A Megaphone” Couple

Wait, you love him? WHAT?! I couldn’t really tell by you aggressively making out, so I’m really glad you screamed it for everyone within a 300-foot radius to hear! Your constant blabbering mouth and abnormally high-pitched giggles are music to my ears, especially when it’s about your feelings to your boyfriend that I really could not care any less about.

Don’t take this the wrong way, we have nothing against people really loving who they’re with. It’s nice to see people in healthy and happy relationships. But please, don’t take it too far or else we may write another Tab article about you.