The ultimate ‘Cuse New Year’s resolutions
Don’t throw up on the South bus!
With the New Year right around the corner, your Facebook newsfeed will be full of ‘New Year, New Me’ esque posts. Your friends will beg you to rejoin the gym (AHAHAH). They’ll even start forcing you to eat kale (!). However, you’re a Syracuse student, and you have bigger and better resolutions you need to stick to. Here are some of the top ones you should try and follow.
No more throwing up on the South Campus bus
Is that one extra shot worth puking on the bus, getting the bus driver all pissed, getting written up, and having to go for a hearing? I think not. There’s nothing wrong with being a sloppy drunk, but throwing up on the bus in front of everyone AND facing consequences is sucky and albeit embarrassing. Leave this in 2016.
Making it home without losing a coat/wallet/money/ID
We all see the endless Facebook posts of people pleading for their lost items back, berating others who stole their stuff, etc. However, make a pledge to be less sloppy and more responsible when out partying, so you no longer have to explain to your parents you need more money, a new winter jacket, ID, and credit card. You can do it, we have faith in you.
To Stop Making Drunk Purchases on Amazon
you. don’t. fucking. need. this. go. to. sleep.
For the love of God, stop wasting money on 3 AM shopping sprees on Amazon. You don’t need that drone, no matter how much you think you do when you’re wasted.
To make it up the Mount stairs without wheezing after 3 steps
Power through. Deep breaths. Slow and steady.
To make it to the toilet before puking
It’s a short hallway, so for fuck’s sake, hold it in
Because nobody wants to clean up a puke-filled floor, bathroom, garbage can, or bed. Get your shit together.
Not to lose your gloves after a week
Hi frostbite!
Your mom will be disappointed, and you’ll mostly likely get frostbite because you’ll be too cheap to buy replacements.
You can make these resolutions, you hot mess, you!