Christmas for lazy people: Get your shopping done at the bookstore

Have you been called “lazy AF” more than 3 times in the past 24 hours? Do you have no time for anything besides contemplating how painful existence really can be? This list is for you. I’m lazy, you’re lazy, everyone in college is lazy. It’s not because we’re inherently lazy people, but it’s because we’ve got a lot of other things on your mind. Unfortunately, even the people you love won’t give you a free pass if you forget to get them something for the holidays. So get them something on your list and cross your fingers that you’ll have more money next year to make up for it.

For the empty nester:

At Thanksgiving Break you were given a rude awakening to the mental state of your now-child-free parents. They got a Chihuahua to fill the void you left and it’s small and weird and yappy and they’re way too attached to it. Tap into this temporary psychosis and buy your mom a dog cheerleader costume for your new sibling to show that you support your ‘rents in all of their decisions. Even tiny nervous ones that shed fur all over your room.

For the notoriously difficult-to-by- for dad

If we’re all being honest, we never know what to get our dads. They either want expensive tools or an obscure used book on turn-of-the-century marine watchmaking that is impossible to find. For the dad that can never give you gift ideas in time for Christmas, get a Best Dad mug for his morning cup ‘o joe. Maybe the flattery will prevent him from realizing that you put the bare minimum of thought into this gift.

For the friends from back home:

Look, not everyone can go to the best school on earth (~go Cuse~), so you don’t want to rub that in by buying your friends from home something Syracuse related. You also don’t want to spend all that much money on something thoughtful and adorable because, like, that’s way too much effort with finals coming up. Before you decide to give up and just buy them a candy bar and then hope they don’t notice you’re a bad gift-buyer because they’ll be so happy to see you, remember that there is a non-Syracuse themes section of the bookstore. Go down to the Clinique section of the store! And keep walking because no one has money for that shit. Maybe get some socks?

For the sibling you don’t like:

You know those sweatshirts/jackets that look like they should be really soft and plush but then aren’t? Yeah, one of those. It’s the ultimate back-handed gift, because your sibling will think you’re being nice to them and your parents will think you’re finally getting along, but then it’ll just be subtly disappointing every time they put the sweatshirt on. Also you get to through it in their face that you go to Cuse and they don’t.

For the sibling you do like:

An actual soft sweatshirt. There are some really phenomenal ones at the bookstore, ones that make you want to curl up and eat mashed potatoes while watching Moonrise Kingdom for the rest of your life. Get the sibling you like one of these for Christmas and you’ll get unlimited car dibs over break.

For the college friends:

Let’s be honest, you love them and they love you but none of you really have the money to spend on each other. For this I can offer two solutions: (1) do a white elephant gift swap with all of your friends so each of you only has to buy one gift, or (2) buy them some candy bars and offer to cry with them over the state of your finances, relationships, and classes at any given time over the next semester.

For the sporty uncle:

Four words: Syracuse. Themed. Golf balls. These things are useless and cool, much like your uncle, so they’ll go together perfectly. It’s a relatively thoughtful gift that shows you care, is unique, and he’ll be able to use. Unlike the 14th tie you got him last year because you’re lazy and bad at buying gifts.

For the wino aunt:

This one’s easy, and it’s not even that lazy. Go right down to the bookstore and pick up a nice, Syracuse etched wine glass. They have lots of options from stemmed to non-stemmed glasses, etched glasses and painted glasses, and Otto or the university seal. You can happily clink your matching glasses at Christmas dinner and try to mooch some of her expensive ice wine off of her in style.

For the baby cousins:

Indoctrinate them into the ‘Cuse Craze early with a themed stuffed animal or onesie. While they’re playing with the toy gently sing the bass line from Seven Nation Army in their ear and hope you’ve incepted them to want to come to Syracuse in 17 years.

Happy gifting everyone! May your laziness know no bounds, and may your Winter Break be filled with Netflix, home cooking, and not wearing shower shoes.