All the roommates you’ll meet freshman year

Every fall, college campuses are flooded with young adults fresh out of the nest. Most of these students are living away from home for the first time, and for many, having a roommate is a novel concept. With nearly 2000 potential matches, it can be hard to know what to expect–especially when nobody actually knows how the people behind the curtain match you up. There are, however, a few usual suspects.

The social media enthusiast

This person has more Instagram accounts than fingers. She speaks only in abbreviations and likely hails from somewhere in SoCal, like Newps (Newport Beach). Though we mock her for her borderline romantic and arguably polygamist relationship with her multiple smartphones, we secretly admire her ability to find the perfect filter for every photo. She likes Starbucks and water polo boys and all of her own photos. And we like her.

The gap year girl

This one is elusive. At first you may not know whether or not she is a student, as she is rarely in the dorm and may actually be older than the RA’s. You determine that she is in fact a freshman, but treat her as though she holds the sage wisdom of someone closer to ninety. She lets you borrow her cowboy boots for your darty even though she made them by hand using a Persian rug and a piece of driftwood.

The entrepreneur

Hypothetically, this person is absent the first quarter as he is busy selling his startup to an undisclosed Latin-American nation. He returns 13.6 million dollars richer, and decides to sleep in a hotel room with his girlfriend instead of in his freshman dorm. You wish you had had the chance to meet him, but relish in the privacy that comes with your unexpected 12 by 15 single.

The vacuum

Do not be mistaken. This person does not have any faculty with household cleaning appliances. They just take things. Food, clothes, the Halloween themed window decor your aunt sent you from Minnesota—they stop at nothing. You literally cannot understand where they put it all.

The international

Hola. Bonjourno. Ni Hao. You’ve asked upwards of seven times but still can’t be entirely sure where this person is actually from. Their Facebook profile tells you they’re from the United Arab Emirates, but you’re pretty sure that their bio is in French. Occasionally you find yourself pausing mid sentence afraid that you are about to offend their mother country, whatever that may be. But, you certainly don’t complain when their abuelita sends homemade dumplings.

The imposter

This person doesn’t actually go here. They have somehow managed to finagle their way into your room after convincing you that there was a mistake with their paperwork. They attend classes and live a seemingly normal freshman existence until the RAs determine that they do not technically attend school here. At this point they are asked to leave, and you wonder how you made it out alive.

Of course, these are only a few examples you might encounter.

You might not.

I did.