Lianna Holston: Stages of pulling an all-nighter
It could be worse… couldn’t it?
Everyone does this, right?
10:30 pm. Tuesday night.
Stage 1: refusal
This paper will not take all night. You’ve got to be somewhere at 6:45 am. You’ll be done by 2 am at the latest.
Stage 2: post something on Facebook
You found a funny photo! Share it with your friends. That’ll be your last time on social media and then you’ll definitely buckle down and crank this paper out.
Stage 3: snack time
It’s important to fuel up for what’s looking like it might be a long night ahead.
Stage 4: check how your Facebook post is doing
Has that cute guy liked it yet? No? Then keep waiting! This is a valuable use of your time and emotional energy.
Stage 5: while the app is open, Facebook stalk the entire cast of the production of The Importance of Being Earnest that you saw last Thursday
Also find at least one of the cast members’ significant others and Facebook stalk them too.
Stage 6: find a new playlist on Spotify
New music is great to work to! This won’t result in you listening to hip hop ~bangers~ from 2009 and reminiscing about the horrors of middle school.
Stage 7: re-watch various Chris Evans interviews as “research for your career.”
It’s not because he’s handsome it’s because you need to know how he navigates the movie industry!
Stage 8: sit on the floor to begin your work
Floors have been around far longer than tables have so it makes sense that we should utilize them more.
Stage 9: reopen Facebook
You never know if maybe someone will have commented on your post with a helpful outline for your paper.
Stage 10: type 500 words
In a flurry of productivity that is mostly just regurgitating your outline, you will inspire yourself.
Stage 11: another snack break
The food reward system is very healthy because everyone knows that biscuits consumed after 10 pm are calorie-free.
Stage 12: SnapChat that one friend you think might be awake right now
Because you are craving any kind of contact with the outside world.
Stage 13: watch everyone’s snapchat stories of Beyoncé’s concert
Wish you were there instead of on the floor surrounded by books about Florence Nightingale.
Stage 14: slap a few quotes on the page
Why type your own words when someone else has already said them more eloquently and a hundred years ago?
Stage 15: stretch break
Heads up: you are not as flexible as your drunk self is.
Stage 16: find a fun picture to include in the paper because a picture is worth a thousand words
Adjust your word count accordingly.
Stage 17: change locations
Because it’s 3 am and your roommate wants to go to sleep.
Stage 18: false hope
You tell yourself, “I can get this done in time to get at least a couple hours of sleep, can’t I?”
Stage 19: rediscover a musical you haven’t listened to in “forever” (a couple months)
Convince yourself that you can listen to it and write a paper at the same time. Prove yourself wrong.
Stage 20: forget how to read
Fortunately this isn’t a problem because at this point your paper is garbage anyway.
Stage 21: summarize three decades in one paragraph
Efficiency is key.
Stage 22: toss your paper into an email and swoosh that off to your tutor
You’ll see him in four hours. It will be awkward because emails have timestamps.
Stage 23: wonder whether it is worth it to nap for half an hour before your next activity
Make the mistake of deciding it is.
6:15 am. Wednesday morning.
Stage 24: jolt awake and start your day!
Preferably with a huge cup of caffeine by your side because oof today is going to be tough.
Stay safe out there going into Week 9, kiddos.
Lianna “is three naps in one day too many?” Holston