Lianna Holston: ADMIT WEEKEND

The schedule for the most important three days of your life

~*~Disclaimer: this entire post is a #joke. Don’t take any of it seriously.~*~

What is UP, ProFros???

How is Stanford treating you so far? Have you found your RoHo? Been to CoHo? Studied abroad at FroSoCo? Isn’t MemAud cool even though the wifi in there sucks? MemChu is pretty dope too, huh? Don’t worry, you’ll figure out all these Abbs in no time (that’s the abbreviation of “abbreviations,” in case you were confused).

Since you are probably feeling ~lost~ and ~afraid~ and maybe even a little ~horny~, I’ve devised a schedule to keep you focused and have the Best. Admit Weekend. Ever.

Thursday

10 AM: Board your Delta Airlines flight to SFO. Be sure the two suitcases you packed are full to the brim – you never know what you might need to wear over the course of three days!

12 PM: Uber from SFO to Stanford. Live tweet your experience as you go. The world needs to know your thoughts about midday traffic flow on the 280.

1 PM: Check in. Pick up your Admit Weekend packet by loudly announcing your name on a megaphone as you enter the Alumni Center. People will respect your confidence and enunciation capabilities.

2 PM: University Welcome. Try your best to hop in to whatever student protest is sure to be happening outside of Memorial Auditorium.

4 PM: ProFro Pickup. Head to Frost Amphitheater to meet your Room Host. A fun fact about Frost Amphitheater: Fetty Wap lives there! See if you can find his sleeping chambers. (Hint: their coordinates are 17 N 38 W)

6 PM: Dinner. At the end, fill up a Nalgene with frozen yogurt! Fellow ProFros will admire your innovative thinking and bottomless stomach.

8:30 PM: Casino Cardinale. This is a costume party! Everyone will be dressed to the nines, so get out your prom dresses and tuxedos. You’ll want to schedule an appointment at Stanford Hair ahead of time, as there will be many ProFros lined up to get coiffed!

9:30 PM: Ice Cream Social at Casa Zapata. Free ice cream will be painfully available this weekend. It is crucial that you attend every event at which ice cream is served.

11 PM: Get to know the other ProFros in your dorm! These are the people you’ll remember forever, aka until you are too lazy to keep in touch with them for a whole five months before school starts!

3 AM: Bedtime. Surprisingly, carpet-covered concrete floors are more comfortable than a Tempur-Pedic. You’ll sleep like a baby!

Friday

6 AM: Morning run. Be as loud as possible when exiting the dorm – Stanford freshmen are notorious for being early birds! Nod at athletes heading to morning practice and say “Yeah, me too brah. Grind never stops amirite?”

8 AM: Breakfast. Bring Your Own Protein Powder.

9:45 AM: Green Library Tour. A little-known Stanford tradition is blaring an air horn in the Bender Room every hour on the hour. Join in on the fun!

11 AM: Q&A with President Hennessy. Ask if he is related to the cognac industry. Or the vehicle one. Then ask how it feels to be a lame duck! Then make a joke about Stanford Lame Duck Syndrome.

12 PM: Admit Picnic Lunch. Tell everyone about how you’re a gluten, dairy, and fun-free vegan! Make sure you go into detail about your diet plan. Other ProFros LOVE feeling judged for their food choices!

12:30 PM: Activities Fair. Put your name on every mailing list. It’s common courtesy to reply to every email you receive, so turn on those Gmail notifications!

2 PM: Memorial Church Tour. Stanford is a very politically incorrect campus with a great sense of humor, so crack as many religion jokes as you can!

3:15 PM: Campus Walking Tour. Usually people wear heelys so as to peruse campus in a fast, funky, and fashionable manner!

5:15 PM: Hike the Dish. The best way to get to know people is by panting and sweating your way through a conversation with them!

6:30 PM: Dance Expo. You will leave this feeling great about your body and your talents!

8:30 PM: A Cappella Concert. The Mendicants definitely want to date you, so don’t be afraid to go up to them after the show and ask to try on their jackets!

10 PM: BROC Party. This is the single most important gathering you will ever attend. Get dressed up, get pumped up, and get your hopes up!!!

Saturday

10 AM: Brunch. Every dining hall has a two-plate minimum, so carbo load in preparation for your final day.

12 PM: What Matters to Me and Why. Here, it’s best to name all of the other colleges to which you were accepted and have an elaborate set of pros and cons for each school. Preferably this will be laminated so that you can hand out copies to those around you.

1 PM: Take a Lyft to San Jose. Don’t forget to check how many views your snapstory got!

And most importantly: everything you do this weekend will matter forever. Don’t fuck it up.

Sincerely yours,

Lianna “lol jk” Holston

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