Lianna Holston: How to Survive a Darty

England.

Where the days are long, the weather is a bit on the chilly side, and the men are beautiful and feed you cake. On more than one occasion. And you’re left wondering what you did in a previous life to deserve such pampering.

How’s Stanford? I hear it’s p sweaty over there. Don’t worry. I’m sweating here, too. Not due to weather though. More due to workload. And to handsome men feeding me cake.

Also let’s clear the air right now: when I say “feeding me cake,” that’s not some sort of innuendo that I’m just ~broadcasting~ on the internet. I mean a good-looking man has, in fact, quite literally hand-spooned me cake twice now. TWICE.

If I’d have known this is what Oxford would be like I would have set sail years ago.*

*disclaimer: I did not sail to Oxford. I flew here on British Airways. British Airways: the world’s favourite airline. Until they changed their motto in 2011. Now their motto is “To fly. To serve.” What kind of focus group decided that was a good idea? They probably didn’t have cake fed to them by attractive people during their meetings.

freaking I TOLD YOU

Anyway. How are you guys? What week is it over there? Are there still caterpillars around? Have you started your Darty workout routines? (That’s where you wear a bikini made out of yarn then drink a boatload of beer but still look Insta-gr8 in all your pix)

Did anyone go to Coachella? Are very floppy felt hats still in fashion? My Instagram feed tells me nothing because I recently followed eight different samoyed accounts so I’ve just been staring at high definition photographs of white fluffy dogs for the past week. 10/10 would highly recommend.

If you are feeling bored and/or frisky and/or like you really want to ruin your upcoming week, here’s a quick guide to how best to Darty while at Stanford Spring Quarter:

1. Don’t do it. Your best and safest option is to stay as far away from these day parties as possible. Abstinence [from parties] is key.
2. On the off chance that you choose to ignore Step 1, then at least take sunscreen. You’re gonna be outdoors for a long time and from what I’ve heard, unresolved sexual tension can create UV rays all on its own. Lather up.
3. Not everything can be a water slide.
4. Sometimes you’ll think it’s a good idea to play beer pong with drinks that aren’t beer. This is a misguided thought driven by hubris and Natty Lights. Vodka pong? Not worth it. You could die but more importantly getting beer poured on you makes you smell like a party. Getting vodka poured on you makes you smell like nail polish remover.
5. Darty grass is slipperier than regular grass. This is the result of a crazy scientific phenomenon called you’re drunk.
6. Comfortable shoes are a must but crocs are never a justifiable fashion choice.
7. There will come a moment when you find yourself outside the law school library swaying by yourself at 5:00 in the evening. Everything will be a little blurry. Do not be afraid to call it a day. Head home. Take a nap. Re-evaluate your life choices in the morning.
8. Drunk in a dining hall at dinner time is not the same as drunk at Late Night. Kale is not a good drunk food.
9. Most importantly: have fun! Be safe! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do! And probably don’t do everything I would do, tb completely h.

Hey, Charlie. Thanks for all the cake.

Sending ~party vibes~ and also ~party prayers~ from across the pond.

Lianna “honestly how is cake so readily available over here” Holston