A definitive list of all the drunk people you’ll meet at Rutgers

Whether it’s broad daylight on game day or 3 a.m. at yet another disappointing frat party, there are almost always drunk people afoot at Rutgers. Here’s a definitive list of all the people that you’ll almost certainly encounter on a night out.

The messy one

One of the most common drunkards you’ll meet. They’re probably being coaxed by their group of friends for the 100th time, being held while they cry about how they feel like no one understands them. What are they crying about, you ask? Their grades, their dysfunctional families, their ex-boyfriend from three years ago. Truthfully, any excuse to cry, and they’ll use it. The female messy friend will have mascara running down her face and a freshly cracked iPhone screen. The male variant will yell a lot and pick a fight with nearly anyone that crosses his path. The messy one will never remember anything in the morning and will spend the rest of their life trying to patch up the blurry details of the night before, and scrape together the cash to get a new phone.

Drink of choice: Tequila

The hypeman

Perfect frat boy material. They’re usually muscular and forever wearing sunglasses and tank tops, regardless of the weather. They’re great for football games and birthday parties, as they pump everyone up around them and put people in good spirits. They’re almost always holding a red solo cup at parties and fist pumping or nodding their heads to the beat. A truly nice guy, as long as you can get past the intimidating noise levels and crowds of people that always surround him.

Drink of choice: Cheap beer

The mom

She’s the one who googles the address of the party and the one who makes sure everyone in the squad is accounted for and in one piece at the end of the night. She likes drinking but actually knows how to control herself. She’ll let loose, but only for about a half hour until one of her friends starts puking and/or crying and she has to take care of them. She always is angry that she has to take care of her messy friends but she does it well every time, and she loves to remind her messy friends of the antics they were up to.

Drink of choice: Wine

The horndog

They’re normal and a good time until they get horny halfway through the night. Suddenly, they have hunger in their eyes and they’re scanning the room to find someone who they can hook up with. They may be getting over someone or just don’t give a fuck and want to score. While they may say that tonight will be different and they’ll just focus on having a good time on their own, old habits die hard and they come prepared with a condom in their pocket. They handle rejection pretty well and just keep trying with other people until they find someone who is interested enough. They never end up making it back to their residence hall, they stay over the other person’s place and in the morning, you get the “I’m alive” text from them.

Drink of choice: vodka

Litboy/Litgirl

A literature lover who would rather be caught dead than be caught at a frat party. You’ll find them at a more intimate get-together or basement show, probably on Douglass. They’ll be wearing an old sweater, Doc Martens, and sporting a microbrew beer in hand. They’ll tell anyone who listens how well their slam poem went and about their newest spiritual discovery. At first, you’re attracted to them because they seem so unique and interesting, but after 15 minutes you realize how one-sided the conversation is and how you’ve just been nodding and not speaking the whole time. They think they’re the only ones who’ve ever heard of transcendental meditation and kombucha tea. They probably do LSD.

Drink of choice: Over-priced microbrew IPA