A letter to clowns thinking about coming to Rutgers

Dear Killer Clowns of America,

Now let me clarify, if you choose to dress up as a clown, you will be treated as one with killer intentions, and you will be taken out. I fully understand that a lot of people are hoping these clown sightings with intention of scaring people is a gag, but the subject of clowns has never, and will never be a laughing matter to me.

I don’t really think I made myself entirely clear hear. Ehem *Clears Throat.* If any one of you goddamn clowns wants to make a move, I will be forced to rain holy hell upon you.

Here’s my issue with you clowns: you think that all you will get by dressing up is a few people running away from you in fear, and a cool Snapchat video, but in New Jersey, we truly don’t fuck around, and I tend to keep that hammer on me, so to speak.

So to any clowns thinking of coming to Rutgers, let me tell you a little bit about myself.

1. I have an incredible right jab. I have no problem dropping the anvil on one of your stupid fucking clown noses.
2. My housemates and I keep a brick on our coffee table. I have no idea why; I was against the idea at first and went to throw it out, but now I realize it is extremely effective in light of this clown epidemic.
3. I have no problem going to jail for assault on a clown. When you go to jail for beating up a clown, they know in prison before you even get there, and they respect you for it. I’ll be like a King in there, so don’t you worry.
4. I have a Jeep Wrangler. A large sports utility vehicle. ’nuff said.
5. Did I mention I have a brick on my coffee table?

In conclusion, I truly give zero fucks if you clowns decided to go anywhere except New Jersey, but if I see you anywhere near Rutgers, or Union, may God bless your stupid fucking clown souls, or lack thereof.

Signed,

Ryan Cagide