Tips from a Rutgers junior: Freshmen, this is how to party right

Who do you know here?

Your time is now, my sons and daughters. It is finally getting to the end of your high school years as you prepare to go into the real world that is, Rutgers University. There are so many tips and shortcuts I could tell you about, from the best GPA boosting classes, to the best/quietest places to study on campus, but truthfully, I’m not going to talk about that shit.

No, no. Today I’m going to give you a few tips about parties here at our lovely school. I’m not sure if they told you down in whatever town you’re from that college kids tends to drink a lot more then you, but if they didn’t then I’ll be the first to tell you, we do. So prepare your livers to your fullest ability.

There are a bunch of mistakes I made when I first stepped into the party scene almost two years ago here at Rutgers, so in the hopes that you don’t as well, I made a little list for you guys.

Understand that Grey Goose is not in a Rutgers student’s vocabulary

I know when me and my friends first discovered the beauty of alcohol in high school, with nothing to pay for and no responsibilities, we always tried to get the best tasting beer/liquor we could get our hands on.

However, today, boys and girls, I’m going to give you your first vocabulary lesson of college, and that word is Natural Ice. I know it sounds elegant and impressive, but it tastes like someone poured out just a little bit of a water bottle out and filled the empty space with piss, not a lot of piss, but a little bit of piss.

You are going to be drinking out of plastic vodka bottles, not because you can drop it without it breaking, but because its $10, and you need the extra $3 in your bank account to buy a slice from R.U. Grill at 3 a.m. So get used to drinking whatever the fuck is around, because after you fail that exam on a Thursday afternoon, the taste of whatever alcohol it is won’t bother you.

If you are really drunk, smoking is not always the best move

I know a lot of times you’re going to get really drunk and think that you can suddenly face an entire blunt by yourself, but it’s simply not true, my children. All it’s going to do is make you very, very awkward at the party when your just scanning the entire room. The obvious question your going to ask yourself is, Do they know?”, and the answer is yes, we all know you’re high and we all know you’re tweaking and your mom will most likely call you tonight to check up on you.

If you’re a guy and you don’t have ratio, either get drunk in the dorms or have a plan when you get to the party

Too many times I’ve thought to myself, “You know what, we have five guys and two girls, but I think we could probably get in.” Once you come to Rutgers, if this idea gets into your head, realize that you are wrong as fuck. It’s simply not going to happen. So listen, some of the best nights you’re going to have are going to be drinking with your friends in your dorm room anyway, so use this night as an excuse to do that. However, if you’re feeling extra frisky and need to get out, HAVE A PLAN. Know the ins and outs of the party. Is there anyone that lives there that you’ve even met once and can drop their name? Are you willing to pay $10? Are there any windows on the first floor to sneak in to?

Just realize you will not get in anywhere without at least $5’s, knowing someone, and/or ratio, it sucks, but it’s true.

Wear shitty shoes

This may seem pretty random but it’s a useful tip. No really gives a shit, anyways, about your new all white Jordans or high heels. If you think you’re going to be in a clean living room playing beer pong at a party, survey says, wrong as fuck again. You’re going to be in a shitty frat basement with paint all over the walls and alcohol spilling all over the floor. Do yourself a favor and get a pair of vans that only gain more character as they get dirtier.

*This next one is for guys only

If a girl gives you a look like she just smelt a fart when you try and dance with her, stop trying

Too often I see guys making a very noble attempt at trying to dance with a girl that’s really just not going to happen, bro. Just move on, before you get the reputation around the party of that weird guy who keeps grinding on random girls.

These are just a few random tips I thought of, but they are crucial. Believe me, everyone’s oblivious when they first get here. I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. I’ll leave you guys with that fact that sometimes it’s tough, but Rutgers parties are one of a kind, and they can get really fun, so get ready to enjoy yourself.

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