Life as the sort of middle child but the sort of older child

My entire life I’ve walked the line of technically being the middle child of the family but acting like the oldest child of the family. I know it sounds weird, but let me explain.

My parents adopted my brother Rashard in June 1995, when he was fourteen. I was born three months later and my younger sister Gabrielle would be born two years after that. Why did my parents adopt a teenager? Long story. But my mom always wanted three kids and when the opportunity arose, she took it.

Me and Rashard

Gabrielle and I didn’t think much of the age gap when we were younger. We still behaved the way most siblings did. We argued, we wrestled each other and we played basketball and foursquare on the driveway. Plus, we honestly hoped Rashard would get married young and have a kid so that we could be young aunts. It wasn’t until he graduated from high school and moved out that things became different.

Once we got older my brother continued to be away most of the time, serving in the military as a technician. He missed birthdays, family vacations and graduations but he always managed to come around for holidays and some weekends.

Ways I feel like the older sibling

Parents.com describes older siblings as reliable, conscientious, structured, cautious, controlling and high achievers. While I don’t usually jump at the chance to voice my opinion or be the leader of a group the way stereotypical older siblings might, I have always been protective, ambitious and controlling like the list says.

In elementary school, I stepped into the older sibling role when Rashard wasn’t around. I protected Gabrielle from bullies, attended her soccer games and included her as much as possible into my friend circle. We grew close. Growing up, we would give each other advice or cover for each other from our parents.

Me and Gabrielle

I  also never had the problem middle and younger siblings have with living in an older sibling’s shadow. My parents said they learned a lot of what not to do while raising Rashard. One of those things was to not send their children to public school.

They disliked what little attention Rashard received when he was struggling with his classes and they were quick to send Gabrielle and I to private school. Because of that, I never had the same teachers or same coaches as him and I was free to leave my own legacy, which is what older siblings usually do. Gabrielle wasn’t as lucky. Sorry, sis.

Ways I feel like the middle child

I’ve taken a couple of birth order quizzes just for fun and I always seem to come up as the middle child. According to Parents.com, middle children are people-pleasers, somewhat rebellious, thrive on friendships, have large social circles and are peacemakers. They explain middle children get the least attention in the family so they try to stand out from their other siblings and rely on friends to be their second family.

I feel that I’ve gotten sufficient attention from my parents, probably with my brother being away most of the time, but I can definitely identity with some things on this list. I notice that I try to stand out in some way when it comes to my outfit choices, for instance.

I have always preferred having a close-knit friend group as opposed to a large group of friends who I’m not very close to. This has become more important to me since I left for college. My friends have become my support system while so far away from my own family. I was also a huge people-pleaser in middle school. Luckily I grew out of that, although I’m still very sensitive to other people’s feelings and try to make sure everyone is happy.

It feels good to be a middle child while simultaneously acting as the older child. I was able to see both sides and I collect personality traits from both. I understand that one is never going to fit either of these personality types perfectly and that there are a ton of exceptions, including mine. But I think it’s interesting how something as simple as your birth order can shape who you are and how you interact with the world.