How to answer all the dreaded questions you’ll inevitably get this Thanksgiving

Who has time for boyfriends when my full focus is on getting our team to the playoffs?

Family time at Thanksgiving is hard. Judgy, helicopter relatives are even harder. So make sure to eat to the point of growing a food baby that will give you a nice distraction from your family, and then clap back at their questions with the sassiest answers possible. Here are some examples.

Who did you vote for?


I voted for pizza. Because pizza would never screw up sending emails or propose to build walls or say racist things every other day. Pizza is the voice, the taste, the literal foundation of the American people. I can trust pizza and I can respect pizza far more than the candidates who ran. And tbh, pizza is literally the only stable thing going for this country right now.

Are you dating anyone?


Does a cardboard cut-out of Joe Paterno count?

Newsflash: I’m in an exclusive relationship with Penn State football. Seriously though, who has time for boyfriends when my full focus is on getting our team to the playoffs, one aggressive FB post/tweet/article at a time? So, yeah, I’m taking some time to myself to reflect on the greatness that is my school. You wouldn’t understand.

How are your classes going?


I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I have never asked to be a part of, since freshman year.

So I see on FB it looks like you’re having fun in college?


Who me? Oh psssh, only a little. Pictures are deceiving. You can’t trust everything you see on the internet, right? *immediately unfriends relative*

Where are you working this summer?


*Takes big gulp* Listen up: I don’t even know what time I’m waking up tomorrow, much less how I’m spending my summer. The only place that will accept my resume at this point is McDonald’s, so lower your expectations about 10 notches.

Have you put on some weight?

Come back and talk to me when you’ve actually tried Pokey Stix. This is how happy I look every single time I indulge in that cheesy goodness… why would I ever give that up?


Like seriously, ask me if I care. Because I do-nut in the slightest. I eat what I want when I want. You got a problem?


Okay, maybe I care a little…

Penn State