How to be the worst kind of person on State Patty’s Day
Step 1: Constantly remind everyone how drunk you are, just in case they forgot
In 2007, Penn State students panicked when they realized that Saint Patrick’s Day would fall during their Spring Break, making it nearly impossible to celebrate the holiday in State College with 40,000 of their closest friends. As a result, State Patty’s Day was created as an alternative Penn State student-led celebration (held on the weekend after THON / before Spring Break) that quickly became a tradition in the years to follow.
While many regard State Patty’s as nothing more than an excuse to party, others wait all year long for the event. If you’re celebrating, it’s a given that you don’t want to be THAT person… You know, the overly basic State Patty’s Day goer. Those people are the absolute worst… or maybe you do!
Here are a few simple steps you can take to guarantee you’ll be the most stereotypical people on State Patty’s Day.
Have friends who normally trash talk Penn State the other 364 days of the year visit for the weekend.
Invite everyone you know, prioritizing those who normally throw shade at Penn State every other weekend of the year. After all, the out-of-towners have never been known to cause any problems in the past, so you’ve got nothing to lose. Just make sure they can keep up with your perfected drinking habits, because if your friends can’t hang it’ll be embarrassing on your part.
Deck yourself out in obnoxious green clothes.
There is no such thing as too much green. Nothing says, “I’m low-key celebrating State Patty’s” like shamrock pants and a “Kiss me I’m Irish” t-shirt. The more sexually suggestive the saying on your shirt is, the better. Let’s be honest, no one cares if you’re Irish anyway, because quite frankly it just doesn’t matter for this particular holiday.
Go all out with accessories to differentiate yourself from the crowd.
No State Patty’s look is complete without accessories. You’ll definitely stand out in the sea of green with additional beads and various Irish face tattoos, so be sure to have plenty of them handy. Head accessories (hats, headbands, bandanas, etc.) and high socks are never a bad call either. Embrace your individuality.
Start your day at the crack of dawn.
As long as you’re up and ready to go before 8am, you’re golden. Kick-start your day with a hearty Irish breakfast (or skip breakfast entirely, nothing like drinking on an empty stomach), accompanied with an aggressive form of alcohol of your choice. Anyone who’s anyone is going to a party that starts before noon, so the earlier you start drinking, the more prepared you’ll be as the day goes on. Plus, going anywhere sober simply isn’t an option.
Drink heavily throughout the entire day and ignore your tolerance level.
“Slow and steady wins the race” is just an excuse for those who can’t keep up. State Patty’s is a day to let loose and embrace your inner Irish, which means you’ll be downing drinks left and right with no signs of stopping. Forget pacing yourself – State Patty’s is a go hard or go home kind of day.
Roam the streets of State College aimlessly, even if you don’t have a solid plan.
No plan? No problem. Walk around looking for something to do, even if it’s with complete strangers. Why risk throwing your own party when you can crash someone else’s? Take the responsibility off of yourself and put it on someone else. Major bonus – you’ll save money on alcohol, too.
Make a drunken fool of yourself in public.
State Patty’s is a prime opportunity to be a drunken idiot with no signs of remorse. It’s only one day, and no one is judging you or your actions. Everyone’s on the same page – they’re either as drunk as you are, or more drunk than you are, so you’re just blending in with the crowd. Plus, “I don’t remember, I was drunk” is always a reasonable excuse.
Get out of a confrontation with the police by the skin of your teeth.
Cops will be everywhere, but being the die-hard State Patty’s advocate that you are, they don’t scare you. You want to get involved with the cops – it comes with the territory. There’s nothing better than being confronted by the police and being able to say you got away without getting in any trouble. No State Patty’s weekend is complete without a badass cop story.
Make sure everyone knows how drunk you are all day long.
What’s the point of drinking if you can’t brag about how drunk you are? Make sure you’re making a scene everywhere you go, letting everyone know just how much you’ve had to drink. Document your intoxication on Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, etc. to cover all of your bases.
Be loud and proud… Emphasis on the “loud.”
Celebrating State Patty’s is a personal choice, and you’re proud of your decision to partake. Don’t hold back your excitement for anyone by any means. Pound on tables and belt out “Shipping Off To Boston” at the top of your lungs. No one is going to judge or reprimand you, so you’ve got nothing to lose.
So there you have it. With this information under your belt, you’re officially ready to take on State Patty’s without looking stupid. May the luck of the Irish be with you.