How I coped with losing my best friend to cancer

Most 16-year-olds spend their time worrying about high school dances, SAT scores or college applications. However, when my friends and I were 16, our friend was diagnosed with brain cancer. I come from a small quaint town where nothing bad ever seemed to happen. We lived in a seemingly perfect bubble. It truly was a picturesque town where everyone knew one another, there were Friday night football games, Fourth of July barbecues, and a sense of community.

Cancer didn’t seem like a real disease. As I grew older, I saw first hand how it can massacre an entire lineage. The destructive trail it leaves behind transcends the familial boundaries. When you’re 16 and someone you grew up with gets cancer, your outlook on life changes. I felt like my life hadn’t even started and yet… it could end. The thing with cancer is that remission gives you hope. Then it strings you along until you’re almost so certain you’re out of the woods. Maybe you might start feeling comfortable. You start planning for a future. It’s not until the cancer catches up to you that you realize remission simply means a temporary recovery.

She was a beautiful girl who would have made a real impact in the world. She was kind and patient even when you felt like you didn’t deserve it. She was a genuinely caring person to the full extent of that adjective. She was the friend who would leave funny videos on your photo booth so you can watch it later. She was the girl who made signs and showed up at her friends school events despite her physical condition. She was the type of person who waited for the owner of the car she accidentally backed into at a Starbucks parking lot. She was the type of girl who fought for her life, but didn’t let her affect who she was.

But after a two year battle with cancer, she passed away.

When we lost her I felt the true meaning of the phrase “life is short”. The fragility of life seemed almost tangible and the notion of forever had significance. To see someone you’ve grown up with have their life taken at 18 was, and still is, surreal.

The sudden transition into college across the country in a place I’ve never been to before also added to the stress of it all. I was suddenly plucked out of that familiar and loving surrounding and was thrown into this fast pace lifestyle and expected to survive. Activities that I used to enjoy seemed lackluster and useless. Life didn’t seem promising or hopeful and the world just seemed dull. I didn’t know what I had to look forward to anymore. Every time I thought about her I think of things I want to say or things I wish I could have said. I felt guilt for not being there for her as much as I should and could have. College was stressful and a coping mechanism at the time to keep me busy but at the end of the day, these emotions were trapped and buried so deep down under that it became something I tried to not think about. However, when I even approached those buried thoughts, my emotions seemed to burst. I didn’t know how to deal with it and I would go on runs in the middle of the night and run until I felt like my lungs were on fire and I couldn’t breathe anymore. Being in college added an additional stress because there was absolutely no time to take a break since everything is so fast paced. Taking one step back requires 10 steps to catch up.

It wasn’t until someone in my own family was diagnosed with cancer that I found myself having panic attacks. It was harder and harder to act like everything was okay. It seemed like bad things were only happening to the people I love and care about. I started taking naps to make the day go by faster and nothing seemed to please me. Every single day I would wake up in fear because I had no idea what I wanted to accomplish. Days would go by when I didn’t leave my apartment because I was scared I would have another panic attack.

That fear was drilled into everything I did. It would take everything in me to go down the street to grab what I needed. It made me sad. I was prescribed medication after my initial panic attack but I knew I wanted to talk to someone who could guide me in a right direction without chemical interference. That’s why I went to CAPS. Taking that first step is always the hardest because no one wants to admit that they need help. Everyone wants to think of themselves as this strong individual who can conquer it on their own. I know now that it’s more than okay to seek help from someone who has dedicated their lives to do just that. I knew I needed to get my life back. I know who I am and what I am capable of doing and accomplishing. Nothing in the world prepares you for the type of life lessons you encounter, especially not something like death. 

So yea life can REALLY suck sometimes and you’ll feel like the world is against you. But you’re alive and have the opportunity to do something with your life and not everyone gets that chance. With THON being last weekend, everyone has seen the effects of this seemingly ubiquitous disease. We’ve done an absolutely astounding job at raising money but now that we’ve done that, we’re back in our dorms or apartments catching up on sleep. We resume to our normal routines and class schedules. The children and families resume their normal lives too, but there is no sense of normality associated with a family that has been plagued by cancer. They live everyday to the best of their abilities to be strong and fight. There are people who fight every day whether its cancer or battling their inner demons.

There are 40,000 undergrad students at Penn State, each with their own story. For some reason by whatever fate, we’re all united here in this little town of State College. I guess what I’m trying to say is let’s be kind and be good people while we can. Life is too short to care about petty arguments and mull over people who don’t matter. We are all human beings with emotions lets embrace that. I’ve learned over the years to live for myself and do things that work for me. My wise CAPS counselor told me to “do more of what works and less of what doesn’t”. If you care about someone, tell them. If you care about an issue, do something about it. Be proactive with your life and be grateful. Be kind and find your purpose. Start living.