I tried to live off Canyon pizza for five days
And I was sober while I did it
This weekend I took on the ultimate Penn State drunk food challenge… sober. That’s right – I lived off of Canyon pizza for five days in a row (give or take a meal or two).
First I must admit I already had negative thoughts about Canyon. The endless late-night “Oh my god, we NEED to go to Canyon” quotes from my friends literally haunt me at night. Needless to say, I would take 100 McDoubles or Fat Bitches over eating a greasy, runny $1 slice of pizza drenched in ranch dressing.
But this week, in hopes of increasing my opinion as much as my weight, I decided to give Canyon the benefit of the doubt and see what the hype was all about.
Day one
I went into today mainly excited because I got the opportunity to eat pizza for a week and not try to pretend I’m on a diet like I’ve done for the past five years. But at the same time, I was very skeptical. My past Canyon experiences overall were not positive and I hoped that today would be different. So, after my classes, I ordered one large pizza with black olives around lunchtime.
And, for the first time, I was pleasantly surprised. Sober Canyon during daylight hours was actually enjoyable. Spread the word.
It didn’t taste or look like any Canyon pizza I’ve ever had in the past, and for that, I was grateful. By the end of the day, I ate 5 of the 6 slices and I was completely satisfied.
Day two
After eating the last leftover cold slice for breakfast, I was ready for more. Mid-afternoon rolled around and I ordered an XL plain pizza (the large wasn’t large enough at all) and pepperoni rolls, with ranch on the side.
Today, I had mixed feelings. The pizza was still definitely better than the $1 slimy slice you’d get on a Friday night at 3am, but it wasn’t as good as yesterday.
I don’t know if it was because I already had only eaten pizza for 24 hours, but it seemed a bit too greasy. I patted it down with a napkin and added some spices and it wasn’t too bad.
Now, normally, pepperoni rolls are the only Canyon product that I fully endorse, but this time was different. I guess when I’m getting one as a late night snack it’s good because I’d basically be happy if you put a piece of broccoli in front of my face. Today, the dough was undercooked and there was not the appropriate amount of pepperoni to satisfy my needs as a growing woman.
I ended today eating five out of the eight plain slices and two pepperoni rolls. The rest of the pepperoni rolls I gave to charity, aka my drunk friends.
Day three
I finished off the plain pizza today. But, I thought I needed some greens in my life, so I added kale on top of it and re-heated it to pretend I was being healthy.
I don’t think it really changed anything.
I also caved and cheated a little bit by eating half of my roommate’s Five Guys fries. I blame it on the minor mental breakdown I had on behalf of my pizza coma.
Later that night, before I went out, I decided to order one more pizza that I was hoping would be my last for a very, very long time. This one had spinach on one half and pepperoni on the other.
It was a disaster – a literal hot mess. I know it was game day and everything, but like, what? The cheese was all over the place and it was incredibly soggy and slimy and may or may not have ruined my life and my overall love and desire for pizza and everything it stands for.
But, for my journalistic purpose, I still decided to dive in to the pool of cheese and conquer. I had a few slices that night, and gave a couple away. After my night out, I was downtown and far from my apartment, so I decided to check out the location and grab a slice with my Canyon-lover friends. Although I wasn’t happy to eat it, it wasn’t bad.
Day four
Today, I was not happy, especially after an attempt to eat two cold leftover slices for lunch. I felt sad and alone and I just wanted something that would make me feel classy and satisfied.
So, of course, I made the trip to the local Olive Garden. I chowed down like never before on endless salad and breadsticks and guiltily allowed myself some Parmesan shrimp. I gave up – but doesn’t everyone get one cheat meal?
I don’t regret it. I never will.
Day five
If I thought I hated my life yesterday, today I was in a deep pool of depression. I made the mistake of stepping on a scale, and I was four pounds heavier. Those were four pounds I could not afford to gain, especially on top of the freshman 15 (or more accurately 25).
The only way I could be relieved of this depression was with a salad. I never thought I would say this, but I truly and genuinely missed vegetables. Although I love pizza and potatoes and pasta, I generally eat healthy, at least during the week. So eating like crap and not even enjoyable crap really took a toll on me. So, I made my way to Fiddlehead.
But I had committed to this challenge. And I would not surrender yet. So at the end of the fifth day I decided I needed one last slice before my mission was over, and my friends joined me as we walked down to Canyon for a celebratory slice.
What I learned is that it really just depends on the day with Canyon – there are two sides to every slice. And, it is better in moderation. I do not recommend the Canyon challenge to anyone that I care about.
In the end, I didn’t succeed in eating only Canyon pizza for five days, but I think I persevered and came pretty close. We had some good times and some bad times, and I walked away with some memories and lbs that I will never forget.