Everything you learn as a bartender in college

You see your co-workers more than you see your friends

The view from behind the bar is a bit different than what everyone else sees, and that’s probably because bartenders are stone cold sober.  We see it all, from the drunken make out sessions on the bar to that girl who tried to throw up secretly (we saw you sweetie), we don’t miss much.

As a slave to the alcoholic community, here’s what you come to know.

Happy hour isn’t always happy

Sure, there are tons of specials early in the day and it can serve as a nice pregame for those who aren’t slinging the drinks. But with cheap drinks come even cheaper assholes who ruin your shift before it gets dark outside.

Then you’ll get the guys who order eight drop shots that require four different liquors only to say “Can you make it 10?” after you’ve measured out exactly eight. The best happy hours are when alumni are in town or when sororities or frats have dad’s weekend, because they have real money and don’t have to worry about their mom asking why they spent $70 at one bar on a Friday night before 10pm.

You will get hit on endlessly

It doesn’t matter if your a girl or guy, people will flirt with you to no end.  At first it’s flattering, and then it’s not.  What time do I get off? When the sun comes up buddy. Please take your whiskey coke and get out of my face. So far the best line I’ve come across is “Can I get a kiss from you for $5?” and the poor guy was completely serious. If only the sorry assholes who left their phone numbers on receipts tipped more than rounding up to make their total the nearest dollar, I’d maybe consider giving them the time of day.

So when do you get off?

No drinks are actually ‘free’

It happens all the time. People who hardly know you, close friends, or some random dude who follows you on Instagram will come in and ask for “drinks on the house.” While I’ve got no problem throwing my friends a round of shots on my own tab, that doesn’t make it free. At the end of the night, I’m still paying for those shots at a discounted price. Don’t be that guy who asks for free drinks. Chances are if you have to ask, you don’t know me well enough to get me to pay for your drinks. Bartenders everywhere do this in the hopes that they’ll get a really good tip the next time those people order drinks. Sometimes it works and sometimes you get yelled at for charging them full price for that Ciroc they wanted.

Girls’ bathrooms are a whole new level of gross

For some reason, women’s bathrooms get trashed worse than the men’s at the bar. The toilets are always overflowing, there’s vomit on the floor and toilet paper everywhere. And they wonder why it doesn’t always get restocked between happy hour and the night shift. For the love of God ladies, THROW YOUR TAMPONS AWAY! They plug up the toilets and that’s why there is a huge pile of shit that you just squatted over to pee. Also, there’s this little handle on the side of the toilet, maybe you’ve seen it before? It flushes your grossness and please use it after you’ve finished your business. But seriously, every night the girls’ bathroom makes the guys’ look like pristine. I don’t even use our bathrooms, I go to the student union across the street.

People have absolutely zero shame

From trying to take a pee on the floor of the bar to sticking their hands in each others pants, people are bold when drunk. I’ve seen way too many nipples out for my own good and girls not even noticing. People will try so hard to puke discreetly, but we can tell from your wobbly stance that you’re about to blow all over the place. Last week I saw a guy about to puke and I ran to the other side of the bar — it was only 7pm. The best is those two you see all over each all night and then come closing time they’re too oblivious to what’s happening because they’re tonguing each other down. Sometimes they don’t even go out to a corner of the dance floor, but start making out ON THE BAR! We will throw ice at your drunk asses to make way for people who are waiting for drinks and we won’t feel bad about it.

Game days are a whole new level of drunk

People wake up and start drinking on game days for football so when they make it to the bar they’re already shitfaced. You’re busy the entire shift and the more drunk people get, the more annoyed you become that they haven’t tipped you all day. And if the team loses, get ready for fights to break out and a possible shut down. But when your team wins the most anticipated game of the year, be ready for people to be celebrating until the last second you can serve them. You’ll come in for your shift at 10am Saturday and not see your bed until sometime Sunday afternoon after you’ve entered in tips from 2-10am. But the money makes it worth it when you’re handed more cash than you’ve ever seen in your life at once.

You’ll go home exhausted and covered in beer

I can’t tell you how many times a night I’ve spilled an entire drink on myself, had beers explode open and into my hair or caught a bottle of Jameson with my leg only to have it pour out down my jeans because I don’t want to deal with a broken bottle in the middle of volume. Forget still looking human after you get off, you basically become whatever is on the bar top, but way more sticky. Seriously, I don’t even know what we serve that gets everything sticky but it’s a bitch to get off. Receipt paper, when wet, sticks to everything because it’s so thin. You’re also so exhausted and are losing your voice from asking people “what can I get you?” for hours on end over loud music. It’s not even that you’re meaning to yell at people all night, it just happens so they can hear you.

Being a bartender is definitely stressful at times but do you know anyone else who can handle making 30+ mixed shots in a matter of seconds? Didn’t think so. Your coworkers become a family because you see them more than anyone else on weekends. Without you guys, campus would be a sober and scary place.

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