The Tab NYU’s guide to the 2016 Presidential election

It feels like all we are hearing about now – and for the last year or so – is the 2016 Presidential Election. Whether you’ve been intensely following the two-horse race for the Democratic candidate; trying to figure out who is who in the Republican race or simply banging your head against a wall repeatedly every time Donald Trump opens his mouth, you would have to have been living under a rock to not have been affected somehow by this race.

Though it may seem like this race has been going on so long that surely it is almost over, we’ve still got just under 9 months until the next President is elected so here’s the Tab’s guide to get you through those months.

Important dates:

Democratic Convention: Week of 25th July 2016

Republican Convention: Week of 18th July 2016

While it is very possible that a candidate for each party may have been chosen beforehand, the official candidate for each of the parties will be announced at the respective conventions. If you’re like me, you would take particular note of these dates because you may want to organise your escape route or apocalypse-preparedness bag  in case Donald Trump gets the nomination and you realise that this is the day that the Mayans were talking about.

ELECTION DAY: 8th November 2016

If you are a fellow foreigner like me, this will be the day when you sit anxiously and helplessly as the country decides who’s going to run your new part-time home but for the majority of you will/should be voting on this day. Please vote guys and if you’re not already registered in NYC, NYU can help you with that: https://www.nyu.edu/students/undergraduates/student-information-and-resources/publicservices/NYUVotes.html

The candidates to remember (since no one has the time or energy to remember all the Republicans who all seem to think they can be President):

The Republicans:

Marco Rubio:

“It’s not the guns; it’s the people who are committing the crimes.” But Marco, you don’t think that without the deadly weapons, maybe the crimes wouldn’t be committed? Just a thought.

Ted Cruz:

“We need to stop Obama’s amnesty and enforce the rule of law. And we need to reform legal immigration to protect American workers” – says the Canadian who is running for the top job. Let’s not forget it’s not just the Mexicans who are stealing our jobs guys, Canadians are the silent threat.

 

Donald Trump:

“I’d build [a wall along the Mexico border]. I’d build it very nicely. I’m very good at building things.” Gosh, a wall along a country border – I feel like that sounds familiar no?

Ben Carson:

“I think the likelihood of Hitler being able to accomplish his goals would have been greatly diminished if the people had been armed.” Now Ben, about that whole ‘having a brain’ thing…..

The Democrats:

Bernie Sanders:

“For many, the American dream has become a nightmare.”

You’re not alone if Bernie reminds you of your Grandpa or perhaps a wise, old lecturer you may have had. I kind of like to think of Bernie as Jewish Father Christmas, just bringing us all the social-justice gifts we wanted and dumping metaphorical coal on Wall Street and pretty much the entire Republican party.

Hillary Clinton:

“If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.” She may have a point here; no other presidential candidate has had such time and effort applied to analysing their fashion choices or inspired a meticulous documentation of her ‘power pant suits’. You can even purchase the ‘Everyday Pantsuit Tee’, equipped with the pearls and the Hillary for America pin – *buys one and wears it while reading about feminism and destroying the patriarchy*.

Finally, here are some go-to phrases to help you get through many of the countless conversations you are going to have in the next 9 months about the election:

“I mean, he’s just gone too far this time!” – Can apply to most of the candidates.

“Yes well what’s important is the economic policies…” Throw this into the conversation to make yourself look smart and watch as everyone nods silently in agreement because  let’s face, economics is confusing and boring and we just pretend to understand it.

“The real question: is the hair real or fake?”

And my personal favourite:

“THEY’RE ALL TERRIBLE AND I’M MOVING TO CANADA!!”