What I learned about grief after losing my best friend

Four days before my 20th birthday, one of my best friends passed away.

It was sudden, unexpected, and nothing like I’d ever experienced. I never knew that you could become physically debilitated from shock, that you could lose your appetite from nausea for over 24 hours, or that your face could sting and swell from crying for so long.

On my 20th birthday, I wrote my speech for my best friend’s funeral, and 3 days later, on what should’ve been my first day of Spring Classes, I gave that speech, and said the goodbye I never in a million years thought I would have to say. Before my best friend died, I had always considered myself lucky to have never experienced a tragedy, to the point that I don’t think I ever fully understood or appreciated the pain it could cause someone.

The speech for the funeral, blurred for privacy

I think the largest misconception I had (as many others have) about those who have lost someone, is that they will either become permanently damaged, or remain relatively unscathed. Because, in general, we see a lot of people who are very publicly hurting, and we see a lot of people who are seemingly able to move on easily because of their faith, mindset, or some other factor.

But what isn’t always seen by the public is the uncomfortable, in-between limbo that a person in mourning gets stuck in, a place where they have to blindly find their “new normal.” You’re essentially forced to let go of the life you knew, and embrace a life you never thought you’d have to live — a life without them. The world seems to be exactly as it was, except everything feels different, and something constantly feels missing.

while packing to leave for school the day after her funeral, I found the last birthday card she ever gave me

And so, you begin to grieve:

Some days will feel okay — you will feel the loss becoming a part of your reality, and you’ll begin to learn how to accept it. Other days will feel much more fragile, and you’ll wander in a haze with a weight on your chest from wanting everything to go back to the way things were, fearing leaving the person you lost behind, and being so angry over the fact that you lost them at all.

On days like these, you could be smiling one minute, and in the next you’ll hear their name over and over again in your head until you have to consciously stop yourself from crying.

Throughout all of this, I’ve heard from the people close to me that I’m “strong” for handling my grief the way I am, that smiling instead of crying means that I must be doing okay. And while I am a strong person, I am not OK. Someday I will be, but for now, I’m not — at all. And that’s OK. I miss my best friend so much every day, and some days, it hits me like a truck, and it knocks the wind right out of me. But that just shows how much love I had for her, and how much love she had for me.

The first time of many times she slept over at Palladium to visit me Freshman Year — I took her to Brad’s (obviously)

During times like these, moving forward is the only thing you can do. Life will always throw unfortunate and unexpected situations into your life, and you have to learn to take those blows, get up, and keep moving. It’s the only way to survive, and it’s the only way to be happy — to accept that the only thing that is permanent in life is impermanence.

My best friend would not want to see me so upset, but she would not want me to fake a smile either. She would just want to see me heal. Sometimes I’m going to smile, and sometimes I’m just going to want to be quiet and miss her. And the best thing you can do for me, and for anyone who is grieving, is to just let them be — let them feel however they want to feel. If they talk about them, just listen, if they’re feeling fragile, just let them know that you’re there. People who are grieving are constantly trying to find a way to be OK, and it will always be a work in progress.

So love them — be there for them even when they didn’t ask you to. And most importantly, love the people who have done the same for you. Because if I can spread just a little good from this unfortunate situation, then that is enough.

Love you forever, dude