We asked the Notre Dame community how they’ll protect our school from clowns

Not the heroes we need, but the ones we deserve

When evil enters the world, good rises immediately to fight it. For the Joker, we had Batman. For terrorism, we had Jack Bauer.  2016’s biggest threat swaggers around America, unwelcome, with painted skin and a deep, narcissistic immaturity. No, not Donald Trump: I’m talking about the clowns.

In case this election cycle has compelled you to not follow the news, let me fill you in. For whatever reason, all the idiots, weirdos and criminals across the country have decided to scare college students by walking around campuses in clown costumes. Naturally, citizens are angered and want to fight back. In times of crisis, we let powerful, strong individuals take care of our problems. I found such individuals in the Notre Dame Community by asking “What will you do/are preparing to do if a clown appears?”

Their answers were inspiring. Let’s meet these heroes.

Dan “Man with the Plan” Corr

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“I am prepared to sacrifice some bodies to get away.”

Only the strong survive

Dan “Danny Pacquiao” Padilla

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“I would try to make them dead. Seems like people who wear masks are cowards, don’t you think?

I do think.

Jenny “North Shore” Moore

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“We need to build a wall around campus, and we’ll make the clowns pay for it!”

Make Notre Dame Great Again

Joe “GOAT” Staud

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“Me and the D-Boys have been going clown hunting after milkshake mass every Thursday. I plan to step it up a notch.”

Seasoned veteran

Grace “The Grass” Steffens

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“I had a dream about a clown. I said ‘I’m going to f—— kill you.'”

What happens to a dream deferred?

Bart “The Apostle” Bramanti

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“It would probably happen when I’m fishing. So I’d just whip him with my fishing pole – knock his little nose off. Wail on him ’til make-up comes off.”

The Perfect Storm

Mary “OG” Guardino

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“The appropriation of this historic dress-up by violent humans must be stopped. In these dark times, clown hunting is necessary to keep our fellow students safe. Some might ask if such an act of mob mentality is necessary. Of course it’s necessary. Would I participate? Absolutely. Hunt on Irish.”

Social justice warriors unite

Calvin “Jesus Of” Nazareth

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“Down in Texas I’d get my bow and arrow like Katniss Everdeen, and I’d put one arrow right through that big red nose.”

He volunteers as tribute.

Connor “The Crusader” Grace

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“If I were walking, I’d talk smack on him, and then run. If I were in a car, I would flip him off as I drove away”

Ridin’ Dirty

Carmela “Mella” Marciano

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“I would run and scream. I would try to utilize on-campus safety resources and get rides from security.”

NDSP Represent

Matt “The Godfather” Gaudiosi

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“If I were around girls, I would act manly. If I were alone, I would run away like a girl.”

Gender Studies

Bridget “U$HER” Usher

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“I’d like to think I’d show them the business end of a baseball bat. If I don’t have that… Run like hell!”

Business, not personal.

Jackson “Shoeless Joe” Hignite

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“I’m actually dressing up as the Joker, so I guess I’m gonna be one of the clowns.”

Some men just want to watch the world burn.

Olivia “Lipstick Liv” De Sonne Ammaccapane

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“If the clown attacks, then all bets are off. I’m going in.”

They drew first blood.

Firas “Punjab” Houssein

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“Chain-link gloves from Chipotle. Pimp slap/punch.”

Hard out there for a pimp.

Joe “Carlos Danger” Levano

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“I am to clowns what offense is to Brian VanGorden.”

Can’t be stopped.

Bridget “Black Irish” Julian

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“I would probably sit on the sidewalk, call the police, and casually converse with the clown so it does not try to kill me.”

The casual approach.

Dan “Danimal” Buchnat

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“The awful, dishonest media is misrepresenting the clowns. I’d shake the clown’s hand, and allow the clown to tell his side of the story.”

Basket of deplorables?

Father Joe Corpora, CSC. (Dillon Hall Priest in Residence)

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“Clowns make me uncomfortable – even the good ones. I am hesitant to meet people when I cannot tell who they are because of a mask or costume.”

Did Jesus wear a mask?

Nick “Father” Tucker

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“Keep him as a pet.”

Woof

Freddie “The Yeti” Stavins (Resident Assistant)

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“I would call O-SNAP to arrange for a safe ride back.”

Building community the Notre Dame way.

Professor Valerie Sayers (English)

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“I would bring them to my class and force them to teach Faulkner”

As They Lay Dying

DJ “Door Fighter” Chao

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“I would not be opposed to running around with a baseball bat – or something of the sort – ready to confront him or her or it.”

Swing battuh battuh battuh

Anonymous Dillonite

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“360 no-scope.”

INSTAKILL


Stay strong, America. We’ll be finished with our clowns soon enough.

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