I’m an RA dating one of my residents and my job is so much easier because of it

‘I figured dating residents was forbidden, an unspoken rule that I needed to follow’

At the start of the school year, I was welcomed to my new one-room dorm in Metcalf Hall to serve as the Resident Advisor for the year. I then met my 40 freshman residents (30 of them were men). Being interested in one of my residents had never really crossed my mind. I figured dating any of them was forbidden – an unspoken rule that I needed to follow to do my job well.

And as far as all RAs knew, it was. But I soon found that dating a resident was actually one of the best things I could do to improve myself as an RA, because I’ve been dating a resident since the beginning of last semester.

As we’re told in training, the first two weeks are crucial to forming a good relationship with your residents – if you don’t make friends with them in the first two, you’ve pretty much lost hope for the rest of the year. Knowing this, I made an effort to speak to as many of my peers as I could. I always had my door open and I’d always be ready to talk.

One resident in particular made it a point to always stop by whether he was leaving or returning to our Mighty Metcalf. I thought nothing of this – he was just friendly. I could actually see myself making friends with my residents and forming relationships with them. It was awesome.

Aside from him, I had made a few other connections with residents, but honestly it wasn’t anything too great. We were all on a friendly basis, but it was never more than a, “Hey! How are you? Good. Good! OK, bye!” or the occasional 5-10 minute menial conversation.

Fast forward about a month and a half into first semester – after approval from my boss and my boss’s boss, I was finally able to openly date one of my own residents. I was formally warned that I was not to show any favor to him over any other residents. If I did, I could run into problems with people on my floor disapproving, and I may be disrespected and looked down upon as an RA.

Me, my boyfriend and another resident

But after people on my floor started to find out I was dating one of their friends, I saw a change in the way everyone acted around me. Two of my own suitemates began to confide in me and I could visually see that my residents were no longer putting up their “oh no, it’s the RA, act natural” wall.

One of my (now) close friends later told me she was originally intimidated by me, but seeing me act as a normal college student brought me to a relatable level for her. It’s exactly what every RA wants: to be treated like a confidant and friend who is there to help you and make your college experience as best as it can be.

Dating one of my residents broke down the barrier between me and my floor and allowed students to see me as a friend rather than a boss. I do recognize that dating a resident could have negative effects, and I feel lucky I didn’t have any problems.

I do want to make it clear I’m not encouraging Resident Advisors to date their residents just to make the job easier. However, I personally found that the previously unspoken rule of beingĀ an RA ultimately improved my relationship with residents and broke barriers that are the defining difficulties of being an RA.

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North Carolina State University