How to protect yourself from the mumps at Mizzou

Whoever began spreading this needs to go the hell home…

In an effort to protect their students from spreading the mumps to others, Mizzou has posted flyers in residence halls, the student center, libraries, etc. encouraging students to partake in precautionary activities such as hand washing, covering your mouth when you cough, and avoiding contact with the infected.

Well, duh.

You already knew those things. What else can you do?


First off, you can Lysol your friends. When they come into your room, spray them thoroughly with the pungent lemon disinfectant spray.

Perhaps, they will end up hating you for it, but at least you’ll both be protected from the plague.


Avoid bae

Try as hard as you can to avoid any type of physical contact with the hottie of your choice at frat parties and bars. Yes, I am positive that the person looks delicious (trust me, I have been there), but why sacrifice your health for a sloppy make-out session in a dark corner of a dilapidated frat house that reeks of Natty Light  and mysterious earthy vapes?

P.S. The mumps has been spread heavily throughout the Greek community…

Judge everyone that looks sick

In addition to avoiding physical contact with others, you also want to be the asshole who glares at those sketchy people with masks over their faces.

You can’t tell if they are actually sick or just protecting themselves.

Either way, just stay in your room!

Chew gummies

Furthermore, instead of snacking on junk food, chew some Airborne citrus gummies. They boost your immune system, and they taste like fruit snack. Just don’t get too carried away and eat a whole bottle of them.


Remember to carry hand sanitizer with you wherever you go. You never know when someone might pathetically sneeze all over you.

As a concluding thought, just stay in your dorm to study for finals or hit up the library when it’s not a busy time of day. Honestly, it would suck if you had mumps over Christmas break, not to mention getting through finals.

Regardless of what anyone else says or does, just use your common sense and stay safe. May the odds be in your favor.

Mizzou: University of Missouri