Mizzou’s eligible bachelors as told by Tinder
Are you a Tinderella in search of Prince Charming?
Admit it. You’ve downloaded Tinder at least once during your college career.
Yes, it’s addictive, humorous, and more often than not, a bit racy. Just like in the real world, apparent stereotypes circulate via this web-assisted cupid. Nonetheless, if you maintain a decent profile, you’ll find someone decent. Right?
Here are some common “catches” you can discover while scrounging around on Tinder at Mizzou and I can guarantee you’ve encountered at least one of them…
The anticipated dropout
The profile pic tells all. If he’s not slumped over in a chair supporting a handle of something hard and strong, it’s a pic of him smiling faintly while getting blazed with a group of professional stoner.
Oh, and don’t forget that he probably sells adderall too…
Attractive Value: 0.5/10
Dateable: Hell no. Your mother would kill you.
The desperate frat babe
Alright, so he’s kinda hot. There, I said it.
Not to mention, his mom sends him seasonal shipments of Vineyard Vines, Ralph Lauren Polo, and Patagonia just so he can keep up with his frat brothers’ preppy styles. He always looks on fleek – keep in mind, he never dressed this way before college.
You can admit, however, that it’s quite cliche and unoriginal. Plus, just like the others, he’s only on the prowl for a solid hookup and a hot formal date.
Attractive Value: 8/10
Dateable: If you can get him to start thinking more with his mind and less with his (*insert derogatory word for male genitalia here*), then maybe, but only maybe…
The portly perv
You all know who I am talking about here. Do I even need to provide visual assistance?
This kind of guy pops up on everyone’s Tinder feed, whether we can stand it or not. He’s rather ample, has a few significant vices, and is eager to find a woman who will put up with his oddities and imperfections. Good luck, bud.
Not to mention, if you accidentally match with him (karma can be a bitch), he’ll be prompt in messaging you a weird meme or gif in order to lure you in… or try to.
Word of advice: Block him ASAP before he starts planning your wedding or singing outside the window of your apartment.
Attractive Value: -5/10
The Arabian knight
Probably the most stickiest situation you could get yourself into (I am not being racist, so don’t take offense).
This dude hails from a country you’ve never heard of before, and he talks to you about it like you go there on vacations (as if). In addition, he’s kind of a pervert. Not like a white guy pervert, but like an exotic pervert.
He wants you, and he wants you bad. Your American charm makes his heart and other things jump for joy. Turn offs include his clinginess, the fact that he thinks you should be subservient to him, and the major deal breaker of them all: his crazy strict parents who practice a unique religion which they abide by with great pride.
Now you see why the situation would get sticky? Back away slowly…
Attractive Value: 6/10
Dateable: Maybe for a day or two
The virgin with an urging
He’s 18 with an attitude. If you have ever seen Sixteen Candles, you’ll cackle when I mention that he reminds me of Farmer Ted. This boy has never had action in his life, and now that he is in college, he thinks he’s entitled to it.
Quite frankly, you are too valuable for this BS. He can either shape up and become a man or learn to help himself more efficiently.
Attractive Value: 5/10
Dateable: Maybe when he’s 30
The pompous paramour
This one makes me particularly salty. Why, you ask? Because this type of guy is the biggest player of them all, believe it or not.
He’s cute (not stereotypically a babe, that’s for sure), and he’s so sweet! Right?
Wrong! This is when the player side comes into place. Turns out, he takes all of his hot Tinder matches on dates. You’re nothing special to him even though he makes you feel that way. You’re simply another ego booster.
C’mon, hun. Mizzou can only have one Brad Pitt.
Attractive Value: 9/10 *sigh*
Dateable: If you end up being the Tinder match who wins his heart over…ugh
The exotic exchange student
I’ll begin by asking this questions: How come American dudes aren’t as hot as foreign dudes? This guy is a complete babe. Like a new age Fabio (Okay, maybe not that extreme).
He’s typically from a really neat locale, such as Australia or Portugal. His hair looks as if it was crafted by Greek gods. The downside, you ask? He’s here for only a few months or years. Then it’s bye bye, bae.
Attractive Value: 12/10
Dateable: Yes, until the plane takes him home. *sad face*
The hottie you never seem to match
Even if you do match with him, he doesn’t talk to you.
It doesn’t matter if you message him first. Most of these guys, however, you won’t match with. You’re hot, so don’t take it personally. This dude is just convinced that he’s God’s gift to women. He’s in love with himself and nobody else.
Attractive Value: 11/10
Dateable: Maybe if he ever gets his head out of his ass
The “let’s settle down” senior
*Red flashing signs* Wake up, sister! This is a friendly warning from a fellow female: This guy is C-R-A-Z-Y and D-E-S-P-E-R-A-T-E.
He’s never found anyone to date during his time in college, and this scares him to death. He now fears that he will be single for life (which he might be).
Unmatch him, block him, change your last name. You need someone decent, and you sure as hell don’t need someone who is going to turn you in a wife during your sacred college years. Tell him to F off and maybe try Farmers Only.
Attractive Value: 3/10
Dateable: *system error, memory dump files* The ambiguous jock
With this kind of guy, it’s hard to figure out what team he’s playing for – a hookup or a relationship. He might ask you out for ice cream one minute, then say, “Hey, wanna come spend the night?”.
It can be easy to daydream about how fantastic it could be to date a student athlete, but in all honesty, you probably can’t trust him more than you can throw him.
After all, he’s just a tiger.
Attractive Value: 10/10
Dateable: I mean, it could be a once in a lifetime experience.