Here’s how to deal with all the dreaded post-graduation questions

Spoiler alert: you don’t

It's the second semester of senior year, but no one needs to tell you that. You're planning for summer travel plans, graduation, and that new job…or for that next hangover nap after your Thursday morning discussion (Friday classes are for suckers).

You may not have it all figured out, so here is your guide to navigating the tough questions surrounding your next steps:

"So, how's the job search going?"

Since you feel personally attacked by such a question, deflect with smart-ass rhetorical questions like: "I don't know Helen, how's the search for meaning in life going?" or "You know currency and capitalism are systems we created, right?"

"What are your plans for after graduation?"

Since this is as straight-forward of the questions as they come, answer as sarcastically as possible with the most preposterous of answers. An ideal response should be " Oh, I'm planning on becoming an influencer." Be sure to scare those around you who think you are wasting your potential now that you have a college degree.

"Are you going to miss Ann Arbor?"

To which you must respond with, "Yes, goddamnit, of course I am. Are you going to miss your dog when it dies? Why would you ask that f%@#ing question?!"

"What's your favorite memory of Ann Arbor?"

This one may be hard since you drowned your stress in alcohol from day one so you may not remember a lot. Say something like "There are too many memories to even begin to start". Try to keep your cool when you suddenly remember locking yourself out of your dorm room in a towel the first week of freshman year or the cringe-worthy things you said in class discussion.

"What do you plan to do with your degree?"

Since you probably decided on a humanities major and then didn't get an internship while in school, simply state that you plan on lighting your degree on fire to keep warm since you'll only be able to pay rent or your student loans with your food service job and unpaid internship.

Then ask Helen how her MRS Degree worked out for her instead of living her own independent life. Again, this is important since you like tearing down others instead of confronting your own issues.

"What's your five-year plan?"

If someone asks you this question, run in the other direction and just keep running. Then run across the country several times without noticing the running cult you've built around you. You are now Forrest Gump.

University of Michigan