Every way you can die from a Canada Goose jacket

Although Canadian Geese are very expensive, you can’t put a price on your personal safety and well-being. Please take precautions

Since the degrees have been in the single digits, the Canadian Geese have been flocking. While their thickness and fur may protect you from the cold weather, these jackets are not safe. In fact, they are quite hazardous. Here are five ways that Canadian geese can result in death:

Blocked vision

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While your thick, fur hood sticks out to block the cold windchill from your face, it can also be perilously blinding. You go to cross the street, but you forget to turn 180 degrees in both directions in order to see the cars coming. Your field of vision is so limited with your goose hood on that you don’t see the car coming, eventually running you over. Never cross the street while wearing a goose.

Hearing Fake News

While this thick hood also helps keep your ears warm, one of its dangerous side effects is deafness. If you are walking next to your friend as she is telling you “We are going to dinner early tonight” and you hear “We are going to dinner at 9:30 tonight,” you might die of embarrassment when you show up to a dinner and no one is there. Never discuss plans when wearing a goose.

Untrained Swimmer in a Sweat Bath

When you are trying to get to class on time and your class is on the third floor of Mason Hall, there is no time to strip off the goose. You must endure the relentless sweat bath that is wearing a Canada Goose indoors. As you are huffing up these stairs with your scorching sheath covering your body, your sweat may accumulate so high in the neck covering of your goose that it may become a pool that you drown in. Never go to class on the third floor when wearing a goose.

Violent Sneezing

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As you sit in class, the fur from your hood resting on your chair is too close for comfort. It tickles your nose, triggering a sneeze. You try to resist the feeling but once the goose fur is in your nose there’s no going back. You sneeze, causing your head to thrust back, hitting the wall behind you. Never sit next to your goose in class.

Tunnel Vision

The hood of the canada goose is very hazardous because of the tunnel vision it creates, increasing the range of your blind spots. It can get so cold walking to class that people adjust their hood, only leaving a minuscule range of vision. This only allows you to look directly in front of you, blinding you to your other surroundings, treacherously leading you to unintentionally step on the M when crossing the diag. Oh no! Not wanting death by blue book exam, your only option is to reverse your bad luck. This streaking in negative degree weather will instantly cause hypothermia. Never cross the diag wearing a goose.

Although Canadian Geese are very expensive, you can’t put a price on your personal safety and well-being. If you must wear a Canada Goose, remember to always do a 360 before crossing the street, confirm your dinner plans, drop your third floor classes, paint the rock only in the spring, and don’t go within range of the M. You can thank me later.

University of Michigan