What it’s like being a UMich girl on Tinder
*swipes left so hard my thumb breaks*
As single college students, we often make bad decisions and open ourselves up to terrible people. The best part? Because of technology, you don’t even have to go to the bar to do it — you can sit pantsless watching X-Files on Netflix while you chat up the owners of bios like this:
This kind of bio, so thoughtfully crafted by its owner, tells us exactly what we need to know: swipe left ASAP. If you were at the bar instead of on your phone, you would have perhaps never been able to avoid this awful kind of human. Thanks technology — we love you sometimes.
Fortunately, also thanks to technology, us ladies of The Tab were able to keep a record of all the terrible “romantic” encounters we’ve had from those *ahem* accidental right swipes.
If you make it past a guy’s bio, the next hurdle is the all-important first message. First impressions, both IRL and in the digital dating world, hold a lot of weight. How will these men try to woo our maize and blue bachelorettes?
The pickup line
Sorry man, you tried. 2 points for effort.
The overused pickup line
It was gross the first time I heard it. All subsequent times are almost unbearable.
The man with options
Third option: fuck off.
The hopeless romantic stalker
Anyone need a manic pixie dream boy? This guy has you covered.
The ‘can’t take a damn hint’
She called you sir to be funny, and suddenly you’re a dominant sex fiend who needs a thick lady, but our bachelorette doesn’t need this shit, SIR.
The guy who doesn’t understand humor
WHY DON’T YOU KNOW THAT’S A JOKE? Also, minus 1000 points for “ment.”
The…oh my god wait what?
Shoutout to an ever-witty Tab writer for this #clapback.
So yeah, I think I’ll pass on that next Tinder date.