How to trick yourself into believing spring break isn’t really over

Today is the dreadful day: Umich students must prepare themselves for the harsh reality of saying goodbye to spring break and hello (again) to campus and the stress-induced heart palpitations that come with it. Or you can do what I’m planning on doing — entirely ignoring reality and pretending spring break didn’t end.

For the tropical travelers

First off, the saying “no shirt no shoes no service”? Screw it. Did they follow this rule in Cancun? No, no they didn’t. Keep this mentality alive on campus. Practice routine outings in your best speedos and board shorts. I don’t care what the weather says or what your professors deems “appropriate for class” — just keep on rockin’.

Usually start your morning with a cup of coffee? Well just swap the 2 pumps of caramel syrup for 2 shots of Bailey’s. Then when the mid-afternoon caffeine headache hits signaling that our bodies are dying of exhaustion, go through the morning routine again. At the end of your day it will feel just like spring break again, because you’ll remember nothing.

No one needs to know

Keep on taking those rad insta pics. It’s simple: throw on a bikini, grab a friend and find a campus tour. Then every time the guide stops to show potential students a classic Umich attraction, snap a pic. And since this is spring break, make sure it’s either a candid of drunken laughter or a shot of you admiring the attraction from behind (which we all know is just a low-key “look at my ass” pic).

Those flip flops you wear in the shower? They no longer know any bounds — wear those plastic beauties everywhere. If you find yourself a tad chilly see the above coffee-related tip… this will have a warming effect.

Practicality is style

Put on sunscreen and re-apply every 4 hours. Whenever the reality of school begins to set in, just take a big ol’ whiff of your skin. This will remind you of your time on the beach and give you a headache mimicking that of a hangover. What’s more spring break than that? Nothing. 

Last but not least: Squint when you look outside, that way you can tell yourself the white snow is actually sand.

For the homebodies

Set an alarm every morning to get up and go to the gym, then turn it off every time. And while you’re at it, turn off your alarm for class, too. The Ellen Show didn’t break at 2pm for a Bio Chem lecture, so neither should you.

Can’t see the to-do list? It doesn’t exist

Continue to rely on your mother for everything (aka conduct yourself the way I have all year). Have a paper you haven’t started yet? Call your mom, even though she’s never taken a comparative politics class. Fell down a flight of stairs and scared you may have damaged your laptop? Call your mom, even though she doesn’t know how to work her Facebook. Have a Spanish exam tomorrow? Call your mom, even though the only word she knows is “cerveza” from your family vacation to Mexico. It’s only Tuesday and you’ve already deemed yourself a hopeless failure? Call your mom, she’ll lie to you and say it’s all okay — this helps because having someone who knows how taxes and car insurance work lie to you is just more believable.

Mom, can you pick me up? I’m scared

Make a list of all the productive things you’re going to accomplish that day, then don’t do a single goddamn thing on that list.

Sit back and reflect at the end of your week and wonder where all your time went and why you didn’t accomplish any of your plans. Then answer your questions by reminiscing on the moment you completed your 23rd episode of Friday Night Lights at 6:30am. Now get over your wasted week, get back in your bed and prepare yourself for episode 24, because it’s not like you have any work due Monday — it’s spring break forever, after all.