Why winters at MSU are actually the worst

This winter is Hell and these sidewalks are the Devil’s minions

As anyone who has ever visited MSU can tell you, our campus is a beautiful and picturesque location wrought with architectural and historical landmarks everywhere you look – not to mention dozens of spots perfect for nature lovers and sightseers alike.

Unfortunately, with a turn of the calendar into 2017, we’ve reached the time of year in which we realize that it was all a lie.

Beware the black ice


Like a captain who shipwrecked in pursuit of a siren, we all blindly and happily wandered into Hell – er, I mean, a Michigan winter.

The leaves have fallen, making our beautiful trees look more like 40-foot-tall twigs; the woods have become desolate and barren, save for the occasional squirrel; and the streets have become a sludgy mixture of rain and snow. While most students are surely used to this type of seasonal change, as it is just winter after all, it will come as no solace to them as they slip for the forty-millionth goddamn time.

Poor dude was no match for these sidewalks

With rain and snow taking turns at the head of the forecast this week, the situation has become grave on the streets. The sheer amount of sludge is too much for the grounds crew to handle, leaving the entire campus looking like a gray crayon that has barfed its brains out.

For those of you braving the treacherous sidewalks and streets of EL, here are a few things to keep in mind now more than ever.

For those of you on bikes or mopeds, be sure to avoid sharp turns and sudden stops. For those on foot, watch where you step and don’t underestimate the ice and slush (this school won’t rest until every single one of us eaten shit on their watch).

Finally, be understanding and kind – and this goes for everyone. With little traction, some people are probably going to brush past you on their bike, and maybe someone will even slip and fall on you. If/when these things happen, try not to get mad. Remember, we’re all trying to survive this mess together, so help your fellow Spartan up and assure them that it wasn’t their fault. It was definitely the fault of these fucking sidewalks that MSU apparently can’t be bothered to salt properly.

It’s easier said than done, but there’s truly no better way to give Michigan the middle finger than to not let its unforgiving winters ruin your spirit. Keep trekking, Spartans.

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