What you should never, ever say to someone with anxiety

Don’t even think about telling me to ‘get over it’

Anxiety is a very real and disturbing thing that affects millions of college students. For those of us with anxiety, our minds can overrule every single aspect of ours lives with irrational, upsetting and racing thoughts.

On behalf of every college student battling with the crippling mental disorder, I want to lay down the law on exactly what you should never say to someone with anxiety.

“You’re just a little nervous”

No, I am not “just a little nervous.” If I was just a little nervous, I wouldn’t be diagnosed and medicated and neither would the other 40 million adults in the United States (i.e. 18 percent of the population) who suffer from the same mental illness as I do.

Anxiety is a constant, irrational fear and worry about every little aspect of your day. It keeps you up at night reminding you of every single embarrassing thing you’ve ever done. It tells you every time a phone rings that the call is surely going to deliver news of a family death. It’s a constant narration that everything you do is wrong and everyone knows it. It tells you that nothing will ever be okay. Our minds are our worst enemies and it’s a constant battle every second of the day and — whether you’re medicated or not — it never ends. It feels like a mental war zone.

“But you don’t look anxious”

You don’t have to look a certain way to have anxiety. Anxiety is not what the media continues to misrepresent — it’s not always public meltdowns, panic attacks and hyperventilating

We put on a front. A lot of times, anxiety manifests in nail biting, foot tapping or over commitment to activities to stay busy and distracted from reality. Those who have anxiety usually hide it very well so no one else worries about them. But by keeping everything bottled up, the stress leads to even more anxiety that in turn also stays hidden from the public eye. It’s a vicious cycle.

“But you’re medicated! Shouldn’t you be feeling better?”

Okay, yes, I am happily medicated and I am extremely grateful to have it. Prior to my meds, I was a complete mess everyday. This is a norm for most people. They have helped tremendously, but that doesn’t mean I’m perfectly fine and dandy everyday of my life.

Most of my days are decent, but I still have my bad days, even bad weeks. Medication affects everyone in various ways. Anxiety will hit you at the most unexpected times when you are medicated, and sometimes it will overstay its (un)welcome. Medication is a treatment, not a cure. Some people also have different ways of coping. Medication doesn’t make us any less or more of a person, and being medicated doesn’t diminish our struggle.

“Can’t you just get over it?”

No comment.

“But why are you anxious? Everything is fine!”

I love answering the “why” of anxiety. It’s multitude of things. Genetics. Traumatic past events. Overall brain chemistry. Most people know what their own anxiety stems from, but some are triggered by literally nothing. For me, it’s a traumatic past of bullying and self-esteem issues. You don’t have to understand it at all, but you do have to respect it and be patient.

Anxiety comes in different forms at different levels for every individual. You can tell me a million and one times that I don’t look fat in that dress and I will continue to think that until I can’t think straight anymore. You can tell me my makeup looks on point and I will continue to think I look like a deranged bird. I’m sorry that I simply can’t help it and if I could, I would. As light as I’m making the concept of anxiety, it’s a coping mechanism for the crippling effects of the everyday battle in my mind. I’m sure I can speak for thousands of others as well.

We are stubborn. We might not listen to advice. We might act or think irrationally at times, but we appreciate your concern. The best thing you can do for your friends with anxiety is to just be there for us. We are trying.

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