Best places to get laid on campus

The University of Iowa is one of the biggest party schools in the US, as we all know. But what comes with parties is usually the hopes of finding “The One”… or at least finding the one for the night.

If you and your find for the night are into exploring the vast places that the campus has to hold, follow me on that freshman campus tour again, but with a little added kink factor.

The University of Iowa is proud to start out every tour with the historic Pentacrest.

In the very middle is the Old Capital, where lots of students enjoy showing their pg-13 PDA during the day. Surrounding the building there are bushes just big enough to cover two scantily clad bods paying homage to what was once the most powerful building in Iowa, with the most powerful humps around.

Be careful, a lot of the “hipster high school students” from around Iowa City seem to enjoy trying to find you in the act.

Next we will travel to look at the downtown life

In the wise words of Axl Rose, “Welcome to the jungle baby, you’re gonna die!”. Well Iowa City is a little different, our wise words are, “Welcome to the Jungle baby, you’re gonna grind!”.

The infamous upstairs of the ever-popular Summit is known as the Jungle. This is where you should go to forget about your troubles while dancing ass to pelvis for the whole nightlong. Maybe in the heat of the moment you will strike up the courage to ask your dance partner if they want to check out the third stall in the mens room and see how sound proof the walls really are.

The University of Iowa is proud to boast the great academics, everywhere you look you see tall buildings sporting famous professors names

If you look hard enough in every building you can find a forgotten elevator or hallway, Van Allen has a small little elevator that no one ever seems to take, with a little speed in your thrust you might be able to have a steamy quicky on your way up to go gaze at the stars, how romantic.

Yet if you find yourself not quite finish by the time you hit the top floor, pull the stop tab, I mean who really cares if you make people wait.

I bet you’re pretty hungry by now, so let’s go back and do a quick tour of the dorm rooms and dining hall

You open the door and the first thought you have is “Fuck this.” Moving out of your parents’ house is a great opportunity for independence and self-discovery, but mostly sex.

However, those dreams of adventurous, crazy love-making are quickly shattered as you discover a confining bunk bed that rises mere inches away from the ceiling. “I guess I will be staying a virgin forever” is what one freshman might say, hopes and aspirations dashed to a million fragments.

Lament no longer, eager, hormonal grasshoppers, that is what the floor and futons are for. If you are feeling like a dare devil, feel free to try out the shower, just don’t get caught

You’ve eaten as much greasy pizza as your heart desires, let’s go further into campus

You leave Burge, and turn down the Anne T. Cleary walkway towards the fascinations of many students luck needing fingers. Everyone touches the brain rock outside of the Pomerantz center for good luck on tests, but have you ever thought of touching it for good luck in the sack? Better yet, just make it the sack!

There is just enough dip on the top of the rock that you can get lucky for as long as no one walks down the corridor.

Now you have all the luck you might need, let’s go cheer on the Hawks at Kinnick Stadium

As you make your way to look at historic Kinnick Stadium you are reminded of all the games won throughout the years. You walk along the brick walls wondering if you will ever score as many touchdowns as the great players that have played there before.

Well, if you’ve never been to a game, let me tell you dead in the middle of play is when the tunnels are the most empty, and the bathrooms are the most empty if ya catch my drift. Go find a big stall and cheer on your own personal touchdown.

Back up to the east side of campus to look at the state of the art recreational facility, where your muscles won’t be the only thing growing

If you follow along on Yik Yak, you can see plenty of meat heads that want their meaty heads to do more than shrink from steroid abuse. You can scout out your workout of the day on the many levels, will it be the person who has no idea who they’re doing in the weight room? The girl snapping photos of herself in too tight sports bras? I know! The guy showing off his rad basketball skills by dominating on all the foreign exchange students.

Whomever you choose, take them to the steam room, I’m sure the people in there wont mind the extra hotness your friction will produce.

You BETA believe we are going to talk about Greek life. Here on campus there are around 12 sororities, and 22 fraternities

I am here to tell you, that yes Phi Psi’s might be the ones you want to marry, you should really wait for that dull sex to lull you to sleep in your late 20’s early 30’s. While here in college sometimes you might want to sleep after a good night of humping.

A little known fact is that BETA has had some of the most comfortable beds. In fact one of the most comfortable beds I have ever slept on during my education here at UI. Another plus to this is they are almost all queen pillow tops, so snuggle away, because I sure hope they tired you out.

The university really looks out for your safety, by providing walkways under the road to help you to get to the footbridge to get you to the other side of campus

Walking through these usually gives me the creeps during the day, but maybe you and your bae are into the scary things in life (like possible teen pregnancy). Make your way down to the tunnel, and hope none of the homeless people are there, and if they are, hope they don’t try to join in.

These tunnels provide a great fence to practice your strength on, if you want to pull yourself up on that. Or a great brick wall with a ledge to grip on as you pound away.

Here we are at the end of our tour, I hope you enjoyed it. Let’s go visit one of the oldest residents here on campus, Rusty the Sloth

Rusty is one of the “100 things to see before you graduate”, so take your love to see the many birds and bees of the world in the McBride Natural History Museum. But be warned, the police will be the ones lecturing you if you get caught showing of your hopefully not so rusty moves in the enclosure that surrounds our beloved three-toe sloth.

Thank you guys and remember, Go Hawks! We hope you cum here next year!