How to be the perfect college boyfriend

A response to the highly controversial ’50 Ways to be the Perfect College Girlfriend’

Dear Mr. StuffFratPeopleLike,

We received your recent request for the “perfect college girlfriend,” and we are pleased to say your order is currently being processed in our system. Your blonde, alcoholic, nymphomaniac sorority sister should be heading your way soon. Until then, we thought you may be interested in other items within our inventory. Other buyers found interest in our product, “50 Ways to be the Perfect College Boyfriend.”

Feel free to try a sample:

First things first, you have to adjust your physique to meet our humble standards. We like guys who are taller and older than us. If you meet only one or neither of these criteria, we will laugh in your face and comment on how cute you are.

Also, abs are a major deal. I’m not talking just normal, high school jock abs, either. I’m talking serious Ryan Gosling in “Crazy Stupid Love” kind of shit. You’ve got to look good naked, after all, just as you need to look good in a suit. It’s always classy over swaggy, hun.

By the way, yes, size does matter. Understand we perfectly know how to use a ruler. We did make it into college, after all. Don’t ask us to compare yours to our exes. You may not be pleased with the answer.

If it’s not too much to ask, either, please no hair down there. It’s revolting, and if you expect us to shave, so should you. Speaking of hair, know we will stop spending an “hour” on our makeup when you stop doing the same for that rat’s nest on your head.

If I’m going to seriously consider you as a possible future boyfriend, you need a certain set of skills. Knowing how to properly change a tire, put up a tent, hunt and fish are at the top of this set. Also, you need to know how to play sports, and by sports, I mean football, basketball or both. Also just try to be Ernest Hemingway (the excess of booze is optional, but encouraged). Be funny and smart and creative. Finally, know how to cook your own damn meals because I’m not doing it myself.

All of these skills should come to play in your future plan for yourself and us. While we’re on that topic, what do you mean when you say you’re pursuing a liberal “Liberal Arts degree?” If you’re going to be my man, you either kick it up in Business School or apply at your nearest mechanic shop. Those are the only jobs a man should have. You also better have money now or be on your way to getting it because I follow the green wherever it goes.

This probably goes without saying, but you have to be in a fraternity. Not for the community service or charity or making your university proud or anything of that sort. It’s not like that’s what Greek life is about or anything. I just want you to invite me to all your sweet parties and give me your alcohol. This should also go without saying, but don’t hook up with any of the sorority sisters, and know if they don’t like you, I won’t either (and vice versa).

If I decide to date you, know there are some personal guidelines in the relationship I must stress. First of all, Netflix and chill is not a date, you incompetent cheapskate. And bringing me McDonald’s or any other fast-food does not count as buying me dinner. Lobster or salmon and candlelight on a bridge in a metropolis or nothing.

Let’s talk about your vocabulary for a second too. I understand as a fraternity, you may hang out with only guys and therefore may develop a colorful personality. However, if you say “feminazi” even once, or anything remotely sexist, I will spit in your liquor. Think of it this way: if you idolize Dr. Dre and Kanye West, yet think Kesha and Nicki Minaj are “trashy,” then you better not even bother talking to me.

If you could last more than two minutes in bed too, that would be great. You should also understand we can’t all be virgins. On top of that, we can’t be sex addicts and virgins at the same time, so I don’t know where you got that fantasy. While we’re on the subject of sex, don’t make us watch porn with you. Just, no.

Oh, and remember you’re not my father. Don’t make me call you “daddy.”

By the way, make sure you have an attractive brother. Believe me, it’s important.

We hope you take our recommendations into consideration.

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