Everything that has ever happened or will happen at The Game
#BeatYale
This weekend is the 132nd Harvard-Yale game, a.k.a. The Game a.k.a. the only time Harvard parties like a state school.
Here’s the definitive list of everything that will inevitably happen in New Haven this weekend.
One of your friends (or you) will be too drunk to go to the game
Too much fun
Yes, we all have that one friend, and it might be you. You can usually tell because they’ll be slurring the words “I’m not drunk,” while trying to steady themselves against a truck bed at 10am behind the stadium, and shoveling themselves full of whatever poorly-cooked-hamburger-based foodstuff they can get their hands on. They’ll either fall into a drunken stupor in a folding chair, or you’ll have to drag them behind some conveniently placed bags of trash (which, incidentally, are exceedingly common in New Haven).
Someone will hook up with a random Yalie
Look, we get it. What do you do as soon as your parents tell you “don’t stick peas up your nose?” Eve only ate the apple because it was forbidden fruit. Who doesn’t dream of meeting a handsome someone and take the chance to go slumming, if only for one night of fun. Unfortunately, the walk of shame is around 130 miles.
You’ll go to Toad’s
It will look like this
When I was growing up, we had a creek behind our house, and me and my brother used to go down there and play in the water. Sometimes, after heavy rain, there’d be these little toads hopping around the stream, and my brother would chase me around with one of these unfortunate animals, me screaming all the while. This childhood memory is nearly as traumatizing as the first time I went to Toad’s. Much like the amphibian, Toad’s is dirty, ugly, and unpleasantly moist. Happily, you’ll probably be too shwasted to care.
You’ll talk loudly about Gothic architecture every time someone from Yale is nearby
It may be a cheap joke, but there’s nothing like twisting the knife on behalf of Harvard’s own band of merry pranksters. Bonus Harvard-Yale drinking game: every time you see Sam Clark, both he and you have to take a shot.
You’ll thank whatever deity you pray to that you go to school in Cambridge
Everyone thinks of Connecticut as a suburb of New York City, the place where both the rich and very rich go to escape the bustle of the big city. However, there’s a seamy underbelly to Connecticut, and that underbelly is full of rusty factories and no jobs. There’ve even been reports that some New Haven residents have applied for refugee status. The only plus for Yalies is that everywhere else looks like Kubla Khan once they’ve gotten out of the little CT.
Someone wearing a moose head from Dunster will fall in the stadium and then throw up everywhere
Seriously, I’ve seen this same thing happen like four times. Just trust me.
Middle-aged alumni will go nuts
Credit: Betty Richardson
Only watching Louis C.K. can you hear hear so many dick jokes made by middle-aged men as at The Game. Yes, they may be incredibly successful professionals in their careers, with a good family and a respectable DVD collection, but that doesn’t mean they won’t ask to join your beer pong game and then hand you your ass on a silver platter. They may be getting on in years, but that just means an incredibly high alcohol tolerance and an inability to be arrested for underage drinking. They are not to be fucked with.
Harvard will kick ass
It’s bound to happen. You know it, I know it, Yale knows it.
Please, just remember to memorize the words to Ten Thousand Men of Harvard so you don’t look like a schmuck when we do a victory lap.